My My Miss American Pie

Tonight is a crisp August night on the very edge of Autumn. The air has a slight chill to it that electrifies the world for me because of my love for this time of the year. I just got back from something truly wonderful. There is a sweetness and subtly about a pie date. Late nights, hot tea and indie music on the radio. A nice piece of apple pie reminding me of home and simplicity. Nights like these teach one how to enjoy someone's company and conversation. It teaches you how not to over-complicate things and it is during these moments that I learn the most about myself and others. The late night/ early morning is where I spend most of my thinking. It is when I feel most vulnerable and where I think I can allow myself to be the most honest. It is in these crazy spontaneous events that I am slowly learning the dynamics of being in a relationship again. At times I feel like a broken doll and that all I really bring into this is a bunch of previous frustrations and a multitude of scars. However despite this I find a new hope and a sense of safety.

Over the years I've done a lot of wishing and wondering about God's plan for me. Like the He is We song "Happily Ever After" I always wondered if I'd end up happy? Maybe this sense of safety is God's way of telling me that things will be OK for me. Maybe he is saying that is what his designed for my life and what he wanted for me all along. That this new hopeful feeling, while foreign, can be trusted. I've never felt so connected with God in a relationship before. I've never really felt this way before, that somebody has my back. I've been through the ringer these last few years, but I can already feel how much strength this new relationship gives me every single day. I think I finally understand the true meaning of respect. I feel a warmth and security that nobody before has been able to give me. I'm not getting carried away here; I am a highly practical person. Yes, even though I have these confirmations I'm still willing to admit that I'm afraid. I hold back because I'm a well versed scholar in the facts. I aware that things have the ability to change and you can never really depend on anything that doesn't come directly from you. I've learn through the most destructive circumstances that people can change without any warning. That despite everything you do people still have a way to disrespect you and not even blink. In the last two years of my life I've learned how to depend on myself for everything. I've been my own cheerleader, my own motivational coach, and my own entertainment. And while this helped me grow beyond anything I could ever imagine, it also made me skeptical.

When a girl has been her own everything for enough time I think it is harder for her to believe anyone could do the job better. It becomes more challenging to let someone be there for her, especially when so many previous people have taken her for granted. A cheater can ruin a girl. Make her believe all sort of lies about herself. I am a tough person because I've had to be, but the patience I've seen in my new boyfriend is something I highly admire. I have kind of lost my patience with boys, but he takes this broken girl and builds her up to feel like a truly unique young woman. I've been listening to this beautiful Ed Sheeran song lately called "Lego House." While I'm not quite as smitten as the young English singer, I take a lot of wise advice from the song. “I'll do it all for you in time” it gives me hope that one day I will be able to give back what this young man gives to me. I start to feel more like the girl I was meant to be. I feel like myself and that I don't have to pretend. I know this is early, but I already feel better about the relationship. It has been such a long while since someone has made me feel that I was wanted, needed, and cherished. I feel like a new person in this person's eyes and I like that.

Those were just my late night thoughts. Like Anna Nalick said:

"If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to."