In the past few years I've felt disconnected to god. I've never stopped believing that god was there, but while reading the bible or listening to messages I've felt not that I didn't care, but that it wasn't connecting with me as much as it used to. I know the reasons I have slowly felt like I was spiraling away from god. Every time I felt like I had grab a hold of god's loving hand something was tearing me away. Keeping me from getting the full message.
The first thing that started my disconnection to god happened in 2008. One June morning I woke up to learn that someone had broken into my car and had stolen my backpack. Inside the backpack was many important things including my digital camera. I know that cameras are replaceable, however the pictures are something that cannot be. Pictures from my High School Graduation to beginning days of my relationship. I felt robbed. The first little seed of disconnection from god was planted.
In order for a disconnection to occur and a seed to grow. It must be watered. The first water and oxygen came in 2009. I had been friends with Nate for six years and out of nowhere he left me abandoned. His dedication to god told him to say some really mean things to me. I began not to understand how two followers of god could treat each other the way we started to. I trekked on. I prayed for god's help and he always helped me get through the grieving process over Nate. However the pain allowed the seed to sprout inside the walls of my heart.
It wasn't until 2010 that the evil seed started to grow and condemn my beautiful pure heart. Between Jordan's lies and Cole's constant reminders of my shortcomings. The poisonous plant started to leak its venom inside my heart. Finally after being betrayed and treated to the worst things such as hatred, anger, and revenge started to take over my heart. If you ask Amanda she would tell you how different of a person I was.
Today is Palm Sunday and as I was worshiping today I prayed that god would forgive me for my behavior in the past few years and that I didn't want to be like this anymore. I prayed “God... please heal me. Take out whatever is making me feel these evil feelings and make my heart new again. I don't want to hold anger and resentment anymore. I want to be the godly person I used to be.”
Suddenly I began to get really warm. I felt light headed. I sat down and I passed out on Kenan. Ironically we were sitting next to Nate's parents. His dad is an EMT and he helped me out of the church so I could get some air. Sitting there for a little awhile I started feeling better on the outside. I felt deeply inside my heart I also began to feel better on the inside. People who don't believe in god I wish I could explain to you what happened. It was a truly spiritual moment. Right now I am sitting here feeling healed in god's grace. I feel better than I have in the past four years. There is no more pain in my heart. The best part is:
I no longer feel a constant and present anger towards Cole. I no longer want to get revenge on him or make him pay for the pain he caused me. I know longer want him to suffer. I forgive him for being a scared young man afraid of losing his best friend, even if what he did was selfish. I also no longer feel the disgust towards Cassie anymore. She is the girl who waiting naked in Jordan's bed that night he cheated on me. I forgive her too. I actually feel sad for her because I think she has low self esteem. I think this is the reason she does drugs and sleeps with many different people. She cheats on boyfriends, takes other peoples, and sleeps with strangers because she doesn't feel worthy. I know god finds worth in her. I don't know if I will meet her one day, but I don't feel the deep urge to punch her anymore.
The most important thing is:
I'm not in love with Jordan anymore. When I think of Jordan and Jessi I don't feel the annoyance I used to. The "how can it be that easy for him to move on so quickly" mood I used to. I used to be in love with the nostalgia of a young man. I don't even feel feelings towards who he used to be. I feel freedom. I don't feel anything. Not apathy, not anger, not questioning, but more of a transference. I still don't want to talk to him however it is less about the anger I felt and more about keeping my heart pure. He brought out some really amazing parts in me, but I also see what destruction being with him for that last year caused. He was a good boyfriend for the better part of a year and half. I appreciate the time we spent, but I'm finally able to move on. God has allowed me finally let go of the pain Jordan caused.
He allowed me to let go of pain I forgot I had. Including pain I didn't realize I still had for others. Including Matt Tillman.
Forgiveness is the answer to the pain in our lives. God has healed my heart so that I am able to forgive people for what they have done. I feel like I can look out my window and not feel the doomsday cloud anymore.
Thank you God, for healing my beaten and bruised heart and allowing me to be the child I was before the harshness of the world. Amen
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
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