I Think I Had A Lobotomy ?

Today I am reminded just what an interesting age twenty-four is. When I was sixteen I imagined it differently than I imagined what this age would be like at nineteen. Even so just three years ago at twenty-one; I had no idea what it would actually be like to truly be twenty-four. I've learned far more than I thought I would at this age. At any age I guess. I think life continues to surprise me each and every day. I think the biggest thing is that sometimes despite our best efforts we learn to let go of people and things that no longer benefit us. There are many points in our lives when we feel such strong feelings towards specific people and yet we wake up one day looking into the mirror at ourselves. We see the same face a few years later and probably much wiser. We are never sure when it happens, but suddenly like a breeze of wind those feelings are just gone. In this wisdom we cannot even remotely remember why? Why those people would ever important in the first place?

Anyone who has read this blog from the beginning knows how much I've grown up in the last five years. Just how much I've had to go through. One specific person that I went through a lot with was Jordan. I know I promised myself I wouldn't mention him anymore on this blog, but  a friend mentioned him a few days ago and suddenly my mind started to wander. Who was he? It was like this person was literally a stranger. I couldn't remember what my life was actually like with him. Why he took up so much of my time? I know I can look back at former blogs and read how I felt. I can vaguely remember him, but all that is left now is like a distant memory. Did I actually love him or was it just the naivety of youth that blinded me from all else. Was it first love, was it a silly girl not knowing anything about life? I can remember bits and pieces, but they are like foggy visions that never really make sense. I can remember the pain that he caused. However all the things that I may have loved about him don't come to mind anymore. All the things that made me angry or stressed don't cloud my mind either. It is like three years of my life have just vanished without guilt or reservation. Would I even recognize him anymore? Could I even find anything to say to him? It is like I've had this lobotomy, like the part of my brain that felt so strongly has been taken away from me. Maybe we block things that are so destructive in order to let the more worthy things survive.

Things like the love I feel now. Not the just the feeling of loving someone, but the way I feel loved by this other person. Alex is what I was always suppose to have, this loving feeling that feels so strong and so good. There has been no other feeling like this in my life and I know for certainty that it is what is right for me. So maybe in a sense I did have a lobotomy. However I think I just fell in love with someone that actually loves me back. Just as I am. Someone that loves me when I'm angry and when I am sad. Lets me be a nerd and takes care of me when I'm sick. That is true love. That is what I have. Someone that understands that life isn't easy, but will fight for me, because I matter more. I have had a lot of issues, I can still feel them slightly, but even those are being taken away from my brain. They don't matter anymore. Just like every other memory or feeling I had for Jordan. This is that moment, isn't it? That day I always knew would come. The day that the paper cut would heal, and I wouldn't remember how I got it. It looks like it happened a long time ago and I hadn't even noticed.

lobotomy: surgical severing of certain nerve fibers in the frontal lobe of the brain, once commonly performed to treat intractable depression.





That I got my lobotomy.