I Still Drown In Your Love

"No I’m never gonna leave you darling
No I’m never gonna go regardless
Everything inside of me is living in your heartbeat
Even when all the lights are fading
Even then if your hope was shaking
I’m here holding on."




Love is unconventional. It is unplanned and true love never dies; it only gets stronger. It is pretty late here and I've just finished watching the movie Elizabethtown. It has probably been about five years since I've seen the movie, yet I feel like each time I watch it I seem to enjoy it a little bit more. The first time I saw the film I thought it was a cute movie, with a quirky storyline. I loved it for its quirkiness. Now as I find myself a few years older and after I've been through so much pain. I see it in a new perspective, one that allows me to see how much I've grown up in the last five years. I still see the quirkiness of the movie, but now I also get the rawness. The beautiful melancholy and the need for survival. I hear the great music and I fall in love with the complicated way the main characters relate to one another. The way they fall in love so unforced, so naturally.

In the last week I have been made to realize a lot about love. Although I know deep down that God is love I am starting to see what it means to truly love. The love that God has always intended for me to find. He made Eve for Adam so that he would be complete. In a soft quiet moment; Owl City's Saltwater Room playing I heard the most amazing words whispered into my ear.

“Oh gosh do I love you.”

Even now as I relive that moment my heart starts to quicken and there is this silly grin plastered on my face. For you see I felt in that moment that it would be the very last time I fell in love. That I was finally complete. I had fallen in love with him long before this moment, but yet I didn't say anything because I wanted to make sure that it was real. With Alex I can feel for the first time I have found someone who fell in love with me. For me. When I am stubborn and when I'm emotional. Someone that surprised me be by not being afraid to say those words. One who took the courage to say them first.  A young man who has never really said them to someone before. 

I Love Alex, I Really Do.

With such an everlasting feeling and more intensely than I've ever loved anyone in my life. Besides Amanda, this is the one person that I find myself needing to fight for. Not fight to keep him, but fight to protect him. I am committed to this person and I know that I would do anything for him. Because I know deep down in my heart, as scary as it is. He would fight until his last dying breath for me too.

If you are hurt, I'm sorry. If you are surprised, well then don't be. If you are confused, join the club.  I didn't go looking for this. I'm not a bad person that just played around with people and made them believe lies. I'm just a girl who fell for a boy a long time ago and didn't want to believe it until recently.  I'm a girl who didn't rush into this, but naturally and slowly fell in love. I'm the girl that finally understands that this has been a long time coming. I was so scared to fall for this boy out of fear of getting hurt that I didn't see it. I fought off these feelings because before he was fearful of hurting me. So he pushed my away until one day he finally felt it. That mistake he had made in letting me go and knowing that if I would be his girl he would never let me go again. That he was 100% sure that I was meant for him. I know that the relationship is newer, that there is this honeymoon phase. However I've been friends with this person for a long time now. I've seen his emo side and I've been blessed to see the best of him as well. I look into his eyes and I finally feel at home. Like the soul that I've been searching for, the missing piece of me has been found.

I know he wants me too. Not just wants me, but needs me to survive in this brutal world. That it is us against the world and nothing will come between us. He is the man that all the others in my life could never be. We are these two broken souls that cling to one another for support. Unselfishly and unwavering. This is true love folks and I know it is something, a feeling that I have never felt and will never feel again. 

I'm not concerned so much about timing or plans, but I know that he is my forever. For he tells me everyday. Not as an incentive for me to stay, but as a reassurance of his love for me.  That one day life will be different and things will change, but we will still be in it for the right reasons. That it doesn't have to be scary. I got a glimpse into it for 27 hours and one of the best snow days of my life. I could seriously wake up everyday to that smile. My bed feels colder without his arms around me and I find myself missing him every moment we are apart. 

Before I get too sappy, I should go to bed. Good Night fellow dreamers in love. The song is Ever Enough by A Rocket to the Moon and it is so breathtakingly beautiful

"I will always be yours forever and more
Through the push and the pull
I still drown in your love
And drink 'til I’m drunk
And all that I’ve done,
Is it ever enough."