You Make it Real For Me

Tonight as I sit in low lamp light my mind wanders on about fate. This night has me thinking about moments of impact. Like the male character in The Vow I think of how the things we do in life create the journey of where our lives take us. Ever since I was a young girl I have always had a deep Godly sense in me. However I don't think I've felt as lead by him in such a long time. I feel close and I feel protected by God in my life right now. I'd like to think that it is because of the boy I just came from.

I met a boy at 18 that made me feel ashamed of my Godliness. Made me feel like my deep rooted morals and goals and my relationship with God should always take a back seat to my relationship with him. I never felt like that was a part of me that was accepted by him. So I find it hard to believe that he claims to be such a Godly individual now.

At 23 I met a boy that was so Godly that I never felt like I could live up to it. His family was so strict and suffocating that I never felt Godly enough. It was like God was being shoved down my throat. That God was a weapon and only the righteous deserved it. I never felt accepted because I tend to believe in unconventional ways. I never meant to hurt this boy, but I realized after a few late night conversations that maybe he wasn't good for me if I didn't feel close to God with him.

Yet this blog entry is not about the past of my relationships and it isn't about my growing relationship with God; which continues to grow everyday. This blog is about how wondrous God's plans are for me. This blog entry is about fate and it is about faith.

I feel guilty because only a few weeks ago I belonged to someone else.

I worry that I shouldn't feel this strongly about this current boy, that maybe I don't deserve to be happy. However I think that is what fate is about though. It strikes you without you even expecting it to. There is something so electric about the boy I've been hanging out with lately. He makes me feel pretty and he makes me feel special. Like the type of girl I never got to be in High School. This boy brings out some of the best in me, because I feel like writing when I am with him. I feel like praising the Lord for every moment I get to spend with him. I feel like I've been struck by lightning. When I am with this boy I feel like I want to give him the world, because I feel like he would want to do the same for me. It is such a strong and scary feeling. However I know it isn't what you think. No, not yet.

People might say I'm such a fool with my heart for wasn't it only a few months ago that I fell in love with someone and told stories of how that made me feel happy? Throughout my life I have been told that we must love what is good for us. That you can't make someone feel something for you if they don't. So that is what I did. I loved what was good for me, what was safe for me. I moved on with my life because I didn't want to hold out for something that in my wildest dreams I never thought could happen. God showed me that I needed to fall in love with a safe person in order to remember what it was like to really let my guard down. It wasn't like I was out looking for other options. It was never about that, I promise that from the deepest parts of my soul. It was... like I said before, something I felt a long time ago that never really left me.

So here I am... this girl who is scared and so very smitten with a boy. A boy that makes me feel more alive than ever. Like I didn't understand feelings and being before. I think I denied things, because I think like a character in Perks of Being a Wallflower says: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” I think I denied things because I didn't want to fall into a trap.

Maybe in a sense I thought I deserved safe because I had been hurt so badly before.
Maybe in a sense I thought that I deserved more than being used as a good luck charm.

Maybe I denied my feeling for this boy because I didn't want to fall so hard that one day I might be slammed onto the ground so hard that I'd never be able to wake up.

Maybe I thought it would only ever be a dream for me?

I think we both thought that the other person was just too different, too innocent, too bad for us. We told ourselves that we could never understand where the other comes from, never understand what the other person would need or want out of life. That he was too selfish like all those other boys and I was too much like all those others girls.

I thought he would be too consumed with menial boyish things to ever be able to fall for a girl like me.
He thought I was too sweet to ever be able to feel the painful loss brought on by the bitter, cruel world.

I thought he was too dangerous, too unforgiving, too aware of how to break people. That I would be like a butterfly caught in a spiderweb.

He thought I was too much work, too much time, too much distraction.

Yet fate had different plans for us. Crashing us together telling us that we were wrong and that we were making huge mistakes. Honestly I don't what is going to happen and it scares me so very much. But I know one thing is for sure, if I hadn't taken a leap of faith I don't think I would be so unbelievably happy right now.

I miss this boy. Oh so much do I miss him. I want see his smile and I want to hear his voice. I want to make him happy, because I know when he is happy that the world feels right. That I feel right. In a sense he makes me feel safe, in a way I've never felt safe before. His strength gives me the ability to let my walls down, not just with him, but with the world also. His passion for things inspires me to be creative and hopeful with my dreams. I pray to God every moment of impact and every last word he says is truthful, honest, and mature. That is what I need, maturity. The understanding that we are not perfect people, but that we can still created a perfect world for the other person. I want to snuggle in bed with this boy and I know I shouldn't want to. I want to be under covers laughing at stupid jokes and spilling our deepest secrets. I want to be able one day watch as he sleeps because I know he will be another world, one so far away from the pain he's had to deal with and the brokenness he has come to expect from people. I want to be the reason that he doesn't have to worry or wonder. I want to make him forget all the bad in the past because I know he'll do the same for me. I want to have those perfect moments, because they are meaningful. Life isn't perfect, but being able to share quiet moments with someone, listening to the breathing and the soft tinkling of music. Well that is perfect to me. It is something that makes the world feel right and real.

I shouldn't feel this way, right? I shouldn't be falling so hard, right? I should be practical and logical. I should be cautious and I should smarter. Dear Heart you better be right this time.

However at this point I feel like I am the best me with this boy and how can one deny themselves that?