Bittersweet Life

Where is God in this moment? I know he is here and I pray for his calming presence in my heart tonight. I find myself frustrated and so angry right now. Unsure of how to deal with these toxic emotions. I'm just DONE! Done dealing with people, done dealing with no phone calls, cancelled plans, and people that just don't give a damn about my time. Ok, so maybe I'm a little dramatic tonight, however I just don't know what to do? I am just exhausted and out of patience and options.

The first frustration is a “friend” of mine. At times we have so much fun together and I enjoy her presence. Like I've said before she gives me a very youthful spirit. When I am stuck inside of adultworld she helps me remember that I am only young once. I'm just done with her flaky behavior. I feel like she has a sense of entitlement and I'm SICK and TIRED of it. I've grown up to take the plans and decisions I make seriously. Understanding that they have consequences. If you say you are going to do something, then simply put you should do it. If in your life you believe that you cannot bother to show up to people's events, then I don't know why you are surprised when they don't want to be “bothered”with the things you have planned. So if a person decides enough that I am not worthy of their time, well then maybe they are not worthy of mine? I understand that birthday party and a movie night are completely different things. Yet I'm FRUSTRATED because it seems like there is ALWAYS and excuse to why her things are more important. A friendship should be equal and right now I feel like it is very one-sided. Maybe things will change, but they have gone this way for so long that I kind of lose hope that they will.

The second frustration is about a boy. He says he likes me. I believe in that. I'm afraid though. I know I need to be patient and understanding when he has those sullen days. However I also have those sullen days and wish instead of pushing me away, we could talk about it together. We could remind each other that we are not alone. I need to realize I'm not the only one stressing out. The second frustration is less and  probably something I will get over more quickly than the first. It is for another time.

Right now I am tired, crabby, and in need of a good bubble bath. This is a night to have a good long talk with God. I know in these times, he will never give me more than I can physically handle. My body is tired, my mind is done with this for the moment. So for the rest of the night I'm going to do fun things. Watch One Tree Hill Season 8, watch silly sappy movies, and just listen to amazing music. I am so glad for writing, because it is a saving grace. I feel much better. 

“Its a bittersweet life, and its leaving me A-OK.”