“And you said I know that this will hurt. But if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse.If the burden seems too much to bear . Remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.”
Last week was a rather toasty one. Yet right now there is a gentle breeze coming off the lake and this makes my mind wander late into the night.
Today is July 22nd 2011
When I was eighteen years old I began to dream about this day. I imagined what an impact I wanted it to have on my life. At nineteen I fell in love and this made me start to believe that my dream would actually come true. In my nineteenth year of life I fell so deeply and madly in love that all I could feel was the wondrous magic and I didn't notice that pieces of myself I was sacrificing in order to find my happily ever after. The day I fell in love was a cold one, but I could feel the heat radiating deep inside my heart and throughout my whole body. This day found me again and July 22nd, 2011 began to follow me.
That day is today;s date and yet it is not the day I imagined. I guess I always imagined this to be the day I would get married. At camp there is a beautiful wooden chapel. The closer this moment came the heavier my heart had gotten. In this beautiful church there was a wedding rehearsal tonight, but it wasn't my wedding. I'd imagined myself waking up this morning and getting ready to become someone's wife. In the real world today I woke up and passed out tye dye to a group of campers. I imagined this afternoon I would put my hair up and slide into a beautifully white dress. I always imagined finding the most amazing man waiting for me this night.
However “That Day” Is Not Today
Today was about getting ready for the big Quilt Auction event at camp. Today was about other people and although it is not the day I imagined for myself it is still the day that the lord has made and I am eternally grateful for it. Today is not my special day. As much as I hoped and prayed that it would be throughout the years it never came true. But I am learning so very much about myself this summer. Camp although sometimes awfully confusing has been such an amazing experience. I know I've made lifelong friends and that it has been such a positive influence in my life after having such negative ones for so long. I'm healing from last summer in all of its damage. I'm continuing to learn from so many people and so many resources that allowed this day to still be beautiful. Understanding that this will not be the day I dreamed of or even close to what I talked about it being lying in my backyard on a blanket next to that boy I loved so greatly. It will not be the day the boy promised me either. People change, life changes, and you can't plan your life at sixteen or even eighteen, but it still is present. Life is still happening and I'm not going to spend anymore of THIS DAY pouting about THAT DAY. The one that will never be.
I will continue to dream and believe in fairy tales, but just with the wisdom that Happily Ever Afters come to those you wait patiently. I love this Relient K song that the title comes from and it has been helping me with so many struggles. There is a new boy in my life. Not a boyfriend, but someone that has captured my heart so fiercely that I struggle to get it back easily. Maybe one day I will get my day and maybe it might be with him? I don't know, but I'm allowing God to choose that day instead of me.
Good Night From Camp.
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