“Anyways, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around- nobody big, I mean- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be.”
_ Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger: Chapter 22
Since a rather young age I have had a great love of Salinger's most infamous novel. I love how I can usually think about in everyday life. I adore how this small excerpt explains the reality of fear. About the fear of being ordinary, the fear of not being able to protect the hearts around you, just the fear of being obsolete. Maybe it is my motherly habits or my natural wish to save people, especially ones with a similar heart as mine. All I know is that I feel immensely like Holden in the quote.
Have you ever met or noticed someone that seems so much like a version of yourself that it frightens you? It is the subtle similarities at first, but soon you see more and more of your personality inside of them. Almost as if you are looking into a mirror and traveling back in time. At this point you feel a deep need to protect this person. Like protecting them, might keep you safe as well.
I am well aware that it is not my responsibility to look after her. She is after all a big girl who makes her own decisions and lives with the consequences. I know that she is just a girl. A tragic selfishness tells me that at all costs I should just avoid her no matter how similar we may be at times. Let her find out for herself what kind of people she has now brought into her life. Yet as my god given heart tells me, god gave me the gift to be a possible light at the end of a familiar tunnel I've been in before. That as an anonymous guard of this heart like mine I will silently be there for questions or concerns.
I don't really understand it either, but for some odd reason I admire her. This twenty-year old reminds me of the girl I used to be before the harsh world began to tear me apart. She is fearless and forgiving; graceful and free. She cares more about doing good in the world than what the world will give to her. She still believes in the hopeless romantics and tries her best to follow strong role models. A follower of Christ, an artistic soul, a baker, and a youthful spirit. She is so much like me.
My dearest wish is that he doesn't take away those things from her like he took them from me. For a short while I began to lose those parts of me. I can already see how disconnected she feels from god. That is how it started for me. Mixed with her other stresses I don't blame her because is a normal college occurrence. However her boyfriend will test her strength in herself and try to have her compromise small parts of these things for her love. I remember from my own experiences. However I'd like to give her the credit that she is stronger.
As a frail human I am also well aware that just as there is no is a catcher in the rye I also cannot save her from running off any potential cliffs. Though we may have so much in common I also know that she is not me. She has flaws that I do not and I am very familiar with my own flaws and insecurities that she will never have. She is not me and I have come to see that maybe he is not the same boy with her? It took me quite awhile to build up my broken parts and remember those types of things that made me a confident and hopeful twenties girl. I am happy to report that with the help of my friends, my denial to give up, and most importantly god's unwavering help within me I am not only the girl I used to be, but so much better. I know what it is like to feel disconnected and lost only to look up and realize that god never left. I know what it is like to have someone pull you away and to take God's hand. To let go of the other hand and finally find your way back into his holy light. God has given me a new gift that I adore. It is an older wisdom that maybe things don't work out at times, but that is doesn't mean they never will. He has reminded me that I am a much stronger person because of the mistakes of others. He has allowed me to see that possibly she is better for him than I ever could have been. That she may hold the key to making him the way god needs him to be. That maybe all my attempts were for something I could never do, but that she could. For that; I am grateful for her and I'm happy.
I still fear for her, like Holden fears for the children because of the character of the boy she is with now. At least the boy I remember him being. I hope with the deepest parts of my heart for her sake and I pray that he doesn't do to her what he did to me. I am not sure what he has told her of his life before her, but I guess I don't care. Whether he is different or not is not my burden anymore. He cheated, he knowingly slept with another girl while in a relationship. I feel bad that she gets the cheater, because he was never suppose to be that. Yet that title doesn't just go away and he has his friend to thank for that. He has his lack of faith to thank for that. I hope she has help him find faith so that he doesn't fall back into old habits. She is not always going to be there, she has dreams that she needs to follow and I hope he can stay faithful to her while she achieves them.
I guess that is god's way of being my catcher in the rye? To protect me from the questions that fill my head or the fears I have for this youthful version of myself. God is allowing me to see that if someone can cheat on their significant other and come out finding their savior. Then I certainly will find mine as well. I think this is the most eye-opening blog I've had in awhile. I thank god for that.
Happy Cinco de Mayo! Those were my thoughts for the night.
I'd Like to Give Credit to this amazing photographer that I got the picture from. Thank you, your photos are beautiful: http://theboyleastlikelyto.tumblr.com/post/2640948203
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