F*ckin Perfect

I know lately I've been in a writing rut, however I finally found my inspiration to write.

This past weekend I heard and saw the heartbreaking video for P!nk's new song "F*ckin Perfect" This is a really uplifting song for someone like me. It talks about feeling like nobody will ever truly understand all you have to offer. It is about realizing that you are beautiful and acceptable just as you are. If others can't see that, then it is their loss. Now I can honestly say I've never took a razorblade to the bathtub, but I have been to such a low place. This song is amazing and it really got me thinking.

I'm only twenty-two and I've already seen so much hatred for myself and the people I love. I've seen such great people treated like crap, why? When did it become acceptable for a mother to call a woman a bitch because she won't let your son do drugs. When did it become ok for a friend to torture and push a person until the weakness of peer pressure gave and they cheated on their girlfriend? Why do we make fun of girls for not being the right size or boys for liking other boys? It is tragic.

Since this is more of a personal journey through this song let us go back through my past life. For most of my life I've felt kind of misunderstood.

"Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life"

I'm not a saint I know I've made mistakes when it comes to people. I've always been kind to them though. It hasn't mattered.

In Elementary school I had a few friends, but as soon as fifth grade rolled around they were on towards other people and things.

In Middle school I remember sitting next to the new girls or being nice to the kids that other made fun of only to have them find the clique they felt they were meant for and pretend that I didn't exist.

In High school I finally found my inner strength and an understanding that I will be ok as long as I have one or two people really there for me. I found the interests I enjoyed and I spent time with people, but at the end of the week while others went off to their parties and such I was never invited.

Now... I feel like people always pretend to be my friend when it is convenient for them, but not when it matters for me.

"Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around"

Deep down I know that I am ok and I have people in my life that matter to me and that I matter to. It is still really hard and I don't understand sometimes. This isn't a pity thing, but more of an observation. I guess I've just never understood how someone can be so nice and friendly with me. Then suddenly nothing, I understand that people change and so do situations, but still why do I always get the feeling like I'm a magnet repelling people.

"Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me!

You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same."


Don't get me wrong I am a lot better than I was in 2010. I no longer feel so badly and I know this because of the destructive people that are no longer a part of my life.


"The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They dont like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?

Why do I do that..?"

I am a strong individual because I've had to be. I've been through so much and yet every painful thing I've gotten through with as much grace as I could. I think it is an Audrey Hepburn thing? I am finally beginning to understand that I am beautiful no matter what others say. One might say I'm controlling because I expect the truth from people. Others may say I'm annoying because I care enough to ask the only questions they will bother answering. I'm the only me there will ever be and that is the only person I know how to be. I should be me, I have never sacrificed the person I am for who others tell me I should be. I understand that if people don't like me that is their problem but if I am fake they wouldn't like the real me. I prefer to be the real me. It is painful sometimes and it hurts to watch people treat me like crap only shortly after they claimed to be my friend. I will never understand that. It is ok if you don't like me, but why are the theatrics neccessary? Why make me feel so crappy? What did I do to you besides try and be your friend?

I'm really happy now. Yes I still have my days like any other moody girl. It is really painful to be thrown away so easily by the people you once loved and cared about. However I feel better in this exact moment than I have in the last year and a half. No more nights of listening to how I will never be the perfect girlfriend because I won't have sex or do drugs. No longer do I have to hear the peanut gallery of "friends" telling me what kind of girl I am and how I didn't deserve my ex boyfriend.

In truth I know now that Jordan didn't deserve me. At one point, he did. However we are not nineteen anymore and I doubt he has grown up since that moment. The last six months of our relationship I felt more like a mother hen cleaning up after his messes than his girlfriend. I never felt more low in my life, yet he wasn't old enough to understand that.

It is like that line from that Taylor Swift song.

"But I took your matches before fire could catch me. So don't look now. I'm shining like fireworks over your sad empty town."

I'm finally happy because I've realized I'm perfect no matter how many people diagree or tell me other wise. I'm perfect no matter how many people talk behind my back and pretend with me. This is the real me and for the first time in quite a while I'm in love with her.

Thank you P!nk.

"Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me!"