Winterlove

I know this isn't a secret, but I adore my blog. I find it spectacular how I've kept one since I was sixteen. Being able to look back on past entries and see the wisdom I've gained. People have came into my life and people have left, but this one thing that has always stayed constant. A media outlet to process my life lessons and share my inner thoughts. This is one of the places I feel powerful and inspired. I can look at my life in the past with understanding and compassion. My hope is that someday a young girl like I was can get the advice she needs.

Sometimes I look back and feel foolish for not seeing what I should have. The ones for High School make me laugh/ I know now how they prepared me for the more recent events. Maybe it is all a part of the lesson? Lately I've been wondering if I should have expected failure from others. If I should have seen the signs beforehand. However it is true what people say about love making you blind. It tends to encourage you to continue to do stupid things that harm you. I was in love and I'm not going to take it back. I know I shouldn't pretend it didn't happen because it makes me who I am. It changed me. Yes, I have a lot of baggage now that I wish I didn't have and issues I now have to live with forever. Nonetheless the whole situation changed me for so many wonderful reasons also. It makes me see that I do have the ability to love and that love like that does exist because I loved someone like that. It is time to find myself someone that actually loves me like that. Certainly I will find that.

The former does not deserve anything from me anymore. Moving from girl to girl and pretending like I meant nothing to him. Makes me wonder if he will ever truly fall in love with someone other than himself? It doesn't matter because I know I am disappearing into the flakes of snow. I don't usually care about the snow, but this year it felt like a clearing of my soul. Usually I love Christmas snow and boy did I get it. The biggest snow storm I've seen in awhile and it turned me into a new believer of the seasons. The pure white color is like a beautiful smack saying "Wake up and smell the Christmas spirit!" Understanding that this is one boy, one year, one snowstorm. Just like there will be another dusting of snow next year, as well as another New Year to come soon. It was just one person that didn't care enough about me to save my life. I need to love what is good for me and remember the people that do love me enough to save my life. I was blessed enough to be snowed in with my favorite girl. We watched Eclipse becoming distracted about Charlie Sandwiches, Traveled into time with Claire Abshire, and became Circe sol Le clowns. It was a blast.

I thought a lot about things I haven't in quite awhile. I finally cleared out all the pent up feelings that I was afraid to let go and unleash. Fearing that they would only make me sadder. I found that it it is easier now. I feel like a miracle came and changed my vision to purity. I'm like this Parachute song "Winterlove".

"And the world keeps going
as you kissed me so slowly
as your blue eyes they say goodbye

oh the snow is finally falling
when i walk the streets, i think of you
i can hear the choir singing
as i pause beside the open door

and the church bells sound above me
and the people pass me one by one
oh its midnight now on Christmas
and I'm here without my winterlove."

I hope one day he realizes the horrible things he does. How I did everything he asked of me. How much he breaks has broken so many hearts including his mother's.

I go back throughout the past year to see that it was a wise year for me.

I go back and see how much he may never grow up.
I go back to those final kisses and promises

Promises of a better year.

Promises of love and dedication.

Promises of being a better boyfriend.

Promises that meant nothing.

I go back to all those things that he could never be truthful about including why he decided to cheat. (Why he doesn't consider himself a cheater, when YES he is!)

After this year I don't care. I made a promise to myself also that I was going to live my 22nd year for love. I'm keeping that promise and I'm focusing on Winterlove. Being brave enough to maybe find someone who will stay in love with me. Maybe being brave enough to truly love myself again.

I've found my Winterlove. My love for the snow falling softly outside my window. For candy canes and hot chocolate. Glee Christmas episodes and very merry tunes. Nights of crazy snowed in behavior with my best friend. My love for myself. Love makes you blind, but it can also correct your vision. Sometimes you just need to get a better life prescription and to see things in a better light.

"This will be the best year Brianna. I promise."

That was inspiring to me.

However I'm moving forward while he pretends.

Moving on while he lives in the past.

One day the car crash will come and the snowbanks will find him.

He was right this was the best year. For me!