Paper Cuts on Paper Hearts

Last weekend was lovely blog friends and followers. With all the junk I’ve had to put up with lately and all the stress I’ve had to endure; it was nice to have a weekend to myself. As I made myself some homemade mac and cheese I waited for it to finish the last few minutes of baking I looked at a paper cut I had gotten two weeks before. While looking down at the previous paper cut I noticed it was starting to heal. The cut was barely visible and starting to disappear. It was as if it had never happened. The memory was there, but the details had gotten a little hazy. I also remembered some other wounds can be inflicted and take a little longer to heal, but I believe the concept is very much the same. About three weeks ago I had a slice through my paper heart, but I notice with time all scars heal, all broken hearts fade and life goes on. Leaving you much stronger than you were before.

It was amazing to have time to myself and reflect on all the things that make me happy. I got to do things for myself and remember the amazing person I used to be. I went to the mall; listened to music while dancing around my living room and hung out with friends I haven’t seen in forever. I realized that three weeks is almost a month and that I am mending with each passing day. It is ok to take things one day at a time. I know it will always be a day to day thing like a recovery from being addicted to something so long. I will always be an addict for him, but with each moment that comes I find myself wanting him less and less. I guess after someone lies to you and cheats on you (yeah, he slept with someone else) not even being able to tell you the truth in the end left me quitting this addiction cold turkey. I’m excited to see myself recovering and if I already feel this good about myself after three weeks there is no limit to the strength I will be able to find in myself. Soon it will be three months and even three years from now. Eventually this will just be a distant memory of a stupid boy and an evil ex. I look forward to living in the future instead of an unreachable past. (You should go back to October of 2006 and remember when I said this before. It is kind of funny.)

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t unhappy, but as I have stated before it is for different reasons. Maybe I’m scared because I know this isn’t who Jordan wanted to be. He is the guy he feared he’d become and the one he wanted me to help him avoid. In the end I couldn’t save him from his own demons. In the last few weeks I’ve heard so many things Jordan has been doing and it makes me sad for him. An alternative person that I don’t even know anymore has consumed him. It is easier to move on knowing that although I am not perfect, I did nothing wrong. Maybe I could’ve done more, but would that have really changed him sleeping with the other girl? I’m still a beautifully strong young women with hope and a future that will have a prince charming and heart that loves me more than I can imagine in this moment. Jordan's life now consists of getting drunk every night, smoking pot all the time, sleeping with eighteen year olds and leaving them when he is bored with them. (Or realizes that they will always just be a constellation prize next to me. That they will never love him the way I once did.)

It is hard to really live when you aren’t sober and I’m afraid of what will happen when that finally happens to him. I’ve heard of how Jordan has moved from girl to girl and at first it made my scars (even the ones he didn’t cause) open up. It makes me mournful to see what kind of serial dater (I use this term loosely considering the time with each “girl”) he has become. I’m not upset though or even jealous I know that I will always be the one that got away. The one girl he loved at one time so intensely that he won’t ever forget. It is kind of tragic to think I’m the only girl he may ever LOVE the way love is suppose to be and he cheated on me. I understand this might make little to no sense however I guess what I’m trying to say is that it is ironic to know that I may never leave his heart as easily as he will leave mine. It is nice to see that he might be having a great time right now, but none of it is real. Nothing with these girls is true or anything compared to what we had together. I know Jordan loved me at one point and I guess I feel blessed to have found that love and lost it. I feel blessed that I get to find someone that is real and will truthfully be in love with me the way Jordan never could.

For it makes my heart feel delighted to move on from first love to true love. Knowing one day I will find something ten times as intense as what I felt with Jordan. A real man that is able to give me those kinds of feelings will deserve everything I have to offer. I’m giving my now laminated heart time to process and fix itself knowing one day I will fall in love again. This time being able to have someone fall in love back. I get the joy of knowing I fell in love with someone with my whole heart and they were the one that let me down. I was brave and they were not. I get to truly fall in love and commit to someone that will commit to me while my ex-boyfriend will continue to flirt and f*ck around. I could pout or I could persevere. I’m choosing the second option.