When All Is Said And Done

I apologize blog friends, but this might be a long one. A tragic story filled with many sighs. It tells of a bittersweet sadness, but not for the reasons you may think.

It is in this moment on a quiet Monday night that I find myself 22 years old and single. I think the word “single” is a little ridiculous like you will always just be one, alone. I already know that I am never alone. I have a good strong family, I have amazingly loving supportive friends, and I have a god that will never leave me. I will be ok eventually and the sting will fade. I am feeling much stronger than I thought I would or could be. I am sad about the demise of my three-year relationship. However if it was so easy for him to throw it away did I have a good man? If I wasn’t a little sad I think it would make people believe it didn’t mean anything to me, when it did, very much. Which is obviously is not how he felt.

Yet blog friends I’m not broken. My heart might be bruised, but all damaged hearts heal with time. Maybe I’ve had some time to prepare? Maybe I knew the moment Cole locked his unwarranted hatred towards me I never had a chance. I tried; oh blog friends you have seen countless entries of how much I tried to get past a whole summer of Cole’s selfishness.

I’m going to miss Jordan very much. He has hurt me countless times throughout our relationship, but I could never hate him. I tried for a very long time to work things out and be patient with him as he attempted unsuccessfully to grow up. Nonetheless I think he needs this life lesson, losing the best thing he will ever have to his own immaturity. This will be what changes him into a stupid drug addict or shock him into being a man. I’m sorry I couldn’t be his savior, but I don’t have that kind of power anymore. You can save people, but you can’t change them. Three years is kind of difficult to erase from someone’s life, even if he doesn’t see that yet. At least for me it is impossible to erase no matter how many pictures disappear off Facebook. I met Jordan when I was eighteen years old and I just turned twenty-two. That is a long time to be with someone and have it end in nothing but a broken heart by a cheating love. I understand that sometimes we grow up into completely different and separate people. I am going to miss the Jordan he used to be not the one that Cole has turned him into. I’m going to miss the boy in the brown sweater, the one that would kiss my forehead, or spin me around when he used to hug me. The guy that would call me sunshine and tell me that I would always be the most beautiful women to him. Cole has ruined every last good thing about Jordan and replaced it with a guy that would rather get drunk and make out with teenagers.

Cole has killed the Jordan I fell in love with. So…I don’t really have anything to mourn, because maybe I lost the person I fell in love with a long time ago. I was just too afraid to see it. I should have known that I wouldn’t overcome the wrath of a selfish young man who claims to be Jordan’s best friend. I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve had a best friend for about eleven or twelve years and she has never even thought of pulling this kind of shit. She… is a true best friend.

What kind of “best friend” tortures you endlessly into breaking up with a girlfriend? Tortures you so badly that you can’t sleep at night. That you feel so stressed that you need to turn towards drinking. Hey guys, do any of your best friends purposely get you smashed and tell other people to make out with you? A true friend doesn’t leave you in St. Cloud drunk to fend for yourself.

I know that before the whole Cole hating me thing Jordan and I had our fair share of problems. However why were ours any different than most? Why couldn’t we work them out without anyone else intervening. It is funny though looking back throughout the years how most of the times I was angry with Jordan; Cole seemed to always be in the background. I feel really bad for not liking Cory when it looks like it was Cole I had to fear. Cole was always the one that could convince Jordan to do anything. In Ely he claimed “It would be our last time,” when he convinced Jordan to smoke pot. Cole was the one that tried to convince him to hug some topless girl. Cole convinced Jordan to do a lot of stupid shit, why should this be any different. It won’t matter the sadness that may find me these next few days I feel slightly blessed. I do kind of feel an odd feeling of relief that a huge weight has been lifted off my heart. ( Like literally this guy is kind of out of shape). Maybe I dodged a bullet by not marrying a drunk?

I really shouldn’t give Cole all the credit. Jordan drunk or not should have been able to understand the concept of cheating on someone. Knowing that hitting on anyone and then making out with someone is just wrong when you already have girl that loves you. What hurts the most is that he has moved on so quickly. Like three years with me meant so little to him. I did a sad thing today and I went to her Facebook page. What stings is reading how she “Found herself a guitar playing indie boy that gives the best hugs!” A part of me wanted to scream. That is really nice, but he didn’t belong to you. I thought after being cheated on you would know better? I guess not? Then I thought to myself; good luck with him.

So… sadly I say good bye to my first love, but when all is said and done I deserve so much better. I look forward to the man that will love me forever and not the boy that dumps me for the first 19 year old slut that bats her eyes at him. When all is said and done I’m going to be ok. Cole can say all the shit he wants, but the fun thing is I don’t ever have to stress about him anymore. He has disappeared along with the years Jordan threw away.

When all is said and done, I will finally find a real man.