Forever Emo and 21?

Hey fellow bloggers and dear friends! Wow I can’t believe my lack of updates and I apologize for this. I’m not exactly sure what it has been lately, but I haven’t had the heart inside of me to write something. I have been really busy lately with a new job as a Nanny. I’m surprised, but maybe I’ve just had a case of writer’s block?

However tonight I think I’ve found my inspiration to write. It may be out of exhaustion and fear, but I find myself lost at only twenty-one. I’m sad to find that already wish to be young again. It seemed only yesterday that I was seventeen and feeling as if the age would never come, yet now that it has arrived I find myself wondering about the ignorant bliss of childhood. At first I thought how great being a young child must be. No worries, no thoughts of what the future might be like for them. They are free to believe what they want and free to be themselves without question or concern. They can say what they want and not have a huge backlash or fallout afterward. The concepts of maturity have shown me that this isn’t the truth and that evil still exists no matter what you do or believe. Sometimes you must dig a big whole and bury your castles.

In all the twenty- one years (almost twenty-two) that I’ve lived I’ve learned a lot. Whenever I feel like I’ve learned all I could this year I find myself mistaken and a new life lesson finds me. Some of them have been really important lessons lately. The first lesson came fairly early in the year and I found it as my first challenge. Letting go of a friend that I thought would always be with me. Throughout this year I’ve lost friends and security. I’ve lost love for Jordan; I’ve gained it back and even lost a few small pieces of myself that I can’t get back. Some of those pieces I know I’m better off without and some I wish I didn’t have to get rid of to make room for new ones. Tonight on the phone with said boyfriend I started thinking about the concept of being prepared. As much I try I have a hard time looking at what I have now and being grateful for it. The second lesson is an ongoing one and I find this one even more difficult.

It is the concept that everything happens in its own time. I’ve been listening to this song, You’re Gonna Be:

You're gonna fly with every dream you chase.
You're gonna cry, but know that that's okay.
Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good.
We just have to believe things work out like they should.
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be.

I just have to remember those lyrics no matter how much the ocean inside of me wants to drown me. I need to take a bunch of deep breaths and realize that I can only worry about the things that I can control. If I keep reminding myself that I will be ok, then eventually I will be.

So It Guess That Starts Now Good Night Folks.


PS: I will be back in a week to share with you a marvelous occassion!