Stepping Stones

It is so very late on a Monday morning. I’m slightly bored and remembered that I haven’t blogged in a while. I guess I could sleep, but I really don’t feel like it. So there isn’t much else to do, but blog. I wanted to capture my feelings and share them with the keyboard. There is a Duffy song in my head, my artist of the month for October.

I can’t believe it is already October! I’m 20 years old and I am saddened by this world that wants to beat up on me. I’m tired, tired of trying so hard and not getting the credit deserved. I have things that make me so very happy though. Things like Jordan. I can see so much faith and love in his eyes. He is sometimes the only thing that keeps me going on days when the world seems to hate me.

Why do I feel like my life is passing by way too fast. Why do I always have time for the things that make me unhappy, but never time for the things that make me feel hopeful? I want to live a happy life, I want to have a strong faith in myself and know that god has so many amazing things waiting for me.

Honestly I want what any normal girl wants. I want to be in love forever. I want to eventually marry the man of my dreams and have children with this man. Sounds like a fairy tale that seems to be interrupted by a little something called reality. It is a reality that comes in the form of bills, insurance costs, and a struggling economy. I am 20 years old and I already am given a pessimistic view of society. I used to be the girl that loved everything life had to offer her. She enjoyed the challenges because she believed they would help her with the future. The future doesn’t seem to matter anymore. The media and the government is telling me that this future I have tried so hard to build up for myself is collapsing into a pile of uncertainty. I know life isn’t meant to be easy, but does it really have to be this difficult? Do I really need all this stress, which makes me feel older than I really am?

I started my internship this week. It was a really difficult week because I felt very neglected. I was first told I was going to be getting paid and found a hardship in finding out that he wasn’t going to be able to pay me. The economy wouldn’t allow it. So I suffer trying to once again scrape by. Trying to pay for gas and other things that come along. I don’t know how people expect to survive in such a world. My supervisor is a woman that doesn’t speak English very well and sometimes instead of teaching me literally pushes me aside. I was excited about the working world because I knew I would be doing something I love; something I have a passion for. I guess this is an extreme learning experience. Showing me what I like and dislike about this career path I have chosen. I will try to stay positive and count down the days until I’m done. I think I would love what I was doing more if I felt I was actually learning something. I feel cheated. However this is just the first week. It goes back to the Duffy song, "I Will Never Be a Stepping Stone." Maybe the next weeks will get better. I WILL SUCCEED, but will my dreams ever come true?