Restless

I've learned at various times throughout my young life that I can be both the calm patient young woman and also that disheartened impatient girl. Lately I've been struggling between the difference in truthfully being patient and just allowing yourself into empty wishing.

Why do my concerns or problems seem to always have a boy involved? At least the concerns I tend to blog about? My dilemma starts with a boy I met quite awhile back. We have grown to be good friends. In the last two years we've started hanging out more. I've had a small crush on him for awhile, but it never led to anything until recently because of my own uncertainties. However is that all we are destined to be; just friends? I very much like this boy. Let us not get ahead of ourselves, but I know these are the first real feelings I've had for someone since my heart was smashed against the floor over a year ago. Last summer I had fleeting feelings of wanting something I knew I could never had. I guess I felt like I needed to continue to hurt myself in order to remember that I was alive. To have feelings for someone who will never feel the same way back will kill you daily. Yet these new feelings for this new boy have a strong innocence to them. Like it is the first time I've felt them. I only wonder if these feeling will truly go anywhere?

He says that he likes me; that I am one of the reasons he still comes back to this one horse town, that he cares about me. Yet when it comes to communicating those feelings and putting those statements into actions I can see; well he kind of sucks at it. I suppose I cannot get too upset with him because in a way he sort of warned me. The last time I got a message from him he claimed to still feel the same way. So now I wait.

Is that my lifelong destiny: waiting?

• Waiting while people never take me seriously
• Waiting to be cheated upon
• Waiting for someone to change their mind and realize they now don't like me
• Waiting by myself for the Lord to come

Like I said I'm at times a very patient person. Believe me when I say that I would not have put up with half the shit I've had to deal with. How then did I become the waiting girl. The one that just sits and waits for the boy to come to his senses? This is the part that makes me aware that I'm Restless.

“I am restless, I am restless. I'm looking for you. I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore. I'm looking for you. I can hear you breathing! I can feel you leading!More than just a feeling.” - Switchfoot

I know that I can be like a selfish child at times, begging for things I may not have earned yet. I'm just tired of waiting. I am exhausted of wishing for things if they aren't going to happen. I just want to be wanted. I want people to say what they mean and do what they say they will. I want to be shown that someone “likes me” not just told repeatedly over the coldness of a text message. I know I need to have more faith and have a huge heart to heart with God. Despite everything I feel he is the only one that can grant me the wisdom and patience I need tonight.

My Dearest Lord,

I know I can be such a “Beautiful Letdown” at times. I can sense my selfishness and my unwarranted frustration. Would you please guide my heart and give me definable answers to the questions I may have. Would you give me the gift of patience because we both know how much I've always struggled with it over the years, not just within this singular situation. Give me peace and wisdom so that I may not only feel more blessed, but that I am able to bless others. I would like to be that light in the world for others, but I just feel a little dim right now. Brighten me and sheltered me so that my light may be allowed to glow for the world.
Love Always, Amen.