Keep Breathing

Another extremely late night for me or should I say early morning. As I listen to Ingrid Michealson’s “Keep Breathing” I am kind of struggling with just that tonight. Besides the common/allergy concoction that is stuffing up my sinuses and filling my head there is another item that takes my breath away.

Now I’m a sensible, responsible, and sometimes hopeful girl. Nonetheless I’ve always been plagued with the silly heart and mind of a dreamer. Since I was a girl it is a trait I cannot seem to grow out of even as I find myself being crushed by reality. It is tough to keep breathing when the real world is always there to knock the wind out of you. Many things are on my mind right now, as I am sure you other dreamers can relate to. How do I state my dilemma? Lets start with the most important things, the facts.

I’m a girl in love. It is a simple fact; yet not so simple conclusion. From some of the entries I write it is confusing I’m sure, but I guess despite all the strife and irritation I do love my boyfriend. Something, granted probably god’s peaceful guidance in my life, reminds me why I must continue onward. My boyfriend at times can be a giant thorn in my side with his behavior in the past. Yet I’ve learned so many important lessons with him. I’ve learned the true meaning of forgiveness, patience, and everlasting love. Giving me the belief that there really is something out there bigger than what we can comprehend. Sounds normal because it is; the attempt at a typical All-American relationship. I’ve been with him for almost three years and I’m starting to fear.

Here it is, the big word: MARRIAGE
You simply start uttering the word and it makes those male parts shrivel and the boys attached to them run for the hills. I understand fully that I’m not really at the point or position in my life to run to Vegas and get hitched. I’m not delusional and nor would I want to. However as a girl of a prime age I am emotionally ready to marry someone. In fact I’m emotionally ready to marry Jordan. Some people might be confused or skeptical, but the funny thing is that 50% of our frustrations with each other root from this topic. I agree (like I said in a previous blog ex: double-edged sword) that I cannot speed up someone’s ability to be ready. I don’t want to force anyone either because that is just downright crazy and pathetic. The clicker is that after being with someone for three years you should know right? I mean at least think about marrying them? Heck you should at least want to right? This isn’t a good sign is it fellow writer friends? Every last intuition and nerve in my body says that I should be afraid; and believe me I am. The feelings in the pit of my stomach tell me this is a huge RED FLAG. Telling me that he might not ever know. It says that this isn’t fair to me because, “I’m not going to hold out forever, waiting on a diamond and a tether.” I don’t want to pressure anyone or make them feel trapped into a situation they are not ready for. I made a mistake last year, but this is different. A brand new approach of pure trust and praying for god guided patience. In his eyes he know what path he wants me to follow and will steer me on the correct one.

It is so scary to be on this ocean and to feel so alone. Lost at sea in a boat that might capsize at any moment. Where is the man to steer and captain my boat? When did I start depending on him and less on my own navigational skills? What happened to my map and my points of destination? I think I can only take one more year of being lost before I’m going to go insane. I’m not going to do it after next year. I will stop the waiting… not out of impatience, but out of sheer necessity to find my way again towards my dreams. Maybe I may find a new captain? I’m not waking up a thirty year old women with six cats eating whole pints of chocolate ice cream every night. Something eventually has gotta give! Something has to make me feel warm and safe at night. Someone eventually has to make me feel at home. I realize that I have nine years before I turn thirty so there is a very good chance that I will achieve what I want. I guess for right now I just have to keep blogging, keep praying, keep waiting, keep hoping, keep wishing, keep dreaming, and keep breathing.