It is eleven on a lonely Wednesday night and I’m listening to my favorite songs as I ponder. I know this isn’t a new thing for me, but I have a good playlist that is giving me "a heavy dose of atmosphere."
As I listen to everyone from Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato to Owl City and Cartel so many thoughts flood my mind. It starts with the whole idea of love. What exactly is love and can anyone really put all their fears aside and truly love someone fully?
More – Tyrone Wells
“I've seen the great height,
Reminding me... that I'm alive,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna waste another day,
Or night,
I know there's something more,
Than what we're living for,
I see it in the stars.”
I’m at a tough point in my life. I know there is so much more for me out there than what I have seen. I know that I want more out of my life right now. I guess one thing is that I need to trust god more. I need to have more faith the he will give me everything I want when he feels I need it and when he knows I am really ready for it. For instance I remember being in high school and wishing god would send me a boy to have, keep and love. Now that I have finally have the boy I am starting to slowly understand how much of a boy he is. It isn’t his fault I know, but when I continue to grow into more of a woman at times I feel he continues to stay the same. It is a little overwhelming at times. However I need to trust that god will help me with this and many more things that overwhelm me. In 2010 I hope god will guide me. I pray he would give me more patience. I feel that I’m already am an extremely patient person, but I need inner strength about a certain aspect. Like I have said before it is a double-edged sword. On one side we have me who really wants to have the ultimate commitment and the longer I wait the more I start to feel this ugly thing called resentment. I don’t want to feel this. I know god warns us about it and says that love shows no resentment. However there is the other side of the story, the boy’s. If I rush things too fast before he is ready he will always be a boy and he may in the future resent me for taking away his “so called” youth. I want him to come to a decision himself, but don’t really want to wait for him to come to it. Crazy isn’t it?
The Climb – Miley Cyrus
"I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb "
It is like this song. There are all these things I want and places in my life I want to go. There are these dreams in my pretty little head that I can see, but a voice saying they will never come true. The voice becomes less like an omniscient one and more like Jordan’s. I can really relate to the message Miley is trying to pass on. Like it says there will always be objects in my path that I want to move or speed through. However it is more about the journey than the actual destination. I think it is a powerful song and a way for god to tell me to appreciate what I have in my relationship instead of worrying about the things I want in my future.
Gosh, it is very difficult to be patient. Maybe this is the selfish teenager that comes out like a little monster sometimes. The New Year is starting soon. Instead of making silly resolutions this year that make me feel like a failure when they don’t get accomplished I am going to make a list of things that I am going to allow god to guide me and put into his hands.
1) Jordan’s pathway to adulthood: I should trust that god knows what he is doing. I should trust in god’s lesson about love in the process of waiting and being patient. When Jordan is ready to always be with me god will know and tell him. Whether it is six months, a year, or five. I need to remember that the decision is ultimately up to Jordan and that he will make it when and if he wants.
2) My own personal decisions: I would hope that along those lines god will help guide me in remembering that I still have the free will to make my own independent choices. I think I am so worried about making others happy that I forget my own happiness. I need to remember that although it is important to be selfless in companionships I should never compromise my own well being and forget to take care of me. That means if something is not bearing fruit in my tree of life then I need to prune and sometimes-let people go. This means erasing bad ones from my life or even loving someone enough to let go if they don’t want the same future.
3) Growing Up: This is what I need god to guide me with the most this next decade. I need the man upstairs to comfort me as I try and achieve my dreams. I have financial goals and I’m glad I get a fresh start. I need god to be my cheerleader and motivate me. I want to find a job so that I can get the things I want. I need him to help me support myself and gain the bravery to face the scary unknown.
As I listen to everyone from Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato to Owl City and Cartel so many thoughts flood my mind. It starts with the whole idea of love. What exactly is love and can anyone really put all their fears aside and truly love someone fully?
More – Tyrone Wells
“I've seen the great height,
Reminding me... that I'm alive,
I don't wanna die,
I don't wanna waste another day,
Or night,
I know there's something more,
Than what we're living for,
I see it in the stars.”
I’m at a tough point in my life. I know there is so much more for me out there than what I have seen. I know that I want more out of my life right now. I guess one thing is that I need to trust god more. I need to have more faith the he will give me everything I want when he feels I need it and when he knows I am really ready for it. For instance I remember being in high school and wishing god would send me a boy to have, keep and love. Now that I have finally have the boy I am starting to slowly understand how much of a boy he is. It isn’t his fault I know, but when I continue to grow into more of a woman at times I feel he continues to stay the same. It is a little overwhelming at times. However I need to trust that god will help me with this and many more things that overwhelm me. In 2010 I hope god will guide me. I pray he would give me more patience. I feel that I’m already am an extremely patient person, but I need inner strength about a certain aspect. Like I have said before it is a double-edged sword. On one side we have me who really wants to have the ultimate commitment and the longer I wait the more I start to feel this ugly thing called resentment. I don’t want to feel this. I know god warns us about it and says that love shows no resentment. However there is the other side of the story, the boy’s. If I rush things too fast before he is ready he will always be a boy and he may in the future resent me for taking away his “so called” youth. I want him to come to a decision himself, but don’t really want to wait for him to come to it. Crazy isn’t it?
The Climb – Miley Cyrus
"I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb "
It is like this song. There are all these things I want and places in my life I want to go. There are these dreams in my pretty little head that I can see, but a voice saying they will never come true. The voice becomes less like an omniscient one and more like Jordan’s. I can really relate to the message Miley is trying to pass on. Like it says there will always be objects in my path that I want to move or speed through. However it is more about the journey than the actual destination. I think it is a powerful song and a way for god to tell me to appreciate what I have in my relationship instead of worrying about the things I want in my future.
Gosh, it is very difficult to be patient. Maybe this is the selfish teenager that comes out like a little monster sometimes. The New Year is starting soon. Instead of making silly resolutions this year that make me feel like a failure when they don’t get accomplished I am going to make a list of things that I am going to allow god to guide me and put into his hands.
1) Jordan’s pathway to adulthood: I should trust that god knows what he is doing. I should trust in god’s lesson about love in the process of waiting and being patient. When Jordan is ready to always be with me god will know and tell him. Whether it is six months, a year, or five. I need to remember that the decision is ultimately up to Jordan and that he will make it when and if he wants.
2) My own personal decisions: I would hope that along those lines god will help guide me in remembering that I still have the free will to make my own independent choices. I think I am so worried about making others happy that I forget my own happiness. I need to remember that although it is important to be selfless in companionships I should never compromise my own well being and forget to take care of me. That means if something is not bearing fruit in my tree of life then I need to prune and sometimes-let people go. This means erasing bad ones from my life or even loving someone enough to let go if they don’t want the same future.
3) Growing Up: This is what I need god to guide me with the most this next decade. I need the man upstairs to comfort me as I try and achieve my dreams. I have financial goals and I’m glad I get a fresh start. I need god to be my cheerleader and motivate me. I want to find a job so that I can get the things I want. I need him to help me support myself and gain the bravery to face the scary unknown.
That is all for now: Happy New Year! I will explain the craziness later. Listen to good music, drink good beverages, eat good food, be with great friends and lead an honest life. Those are the secrets to life.
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