Broken

I know it has been a little while since I have written a blog, at least a month right? It seems like one of those blogging times. I’m sitting here pondering and I realize I really need to have a heart to heart with myself and other people. I am such a terrible person; I don’t know why I fuck things up. However maybe sometimes everyone fucks things up? Maybe we see the grass and sun outside and forget. We forget that sometimes clouds come, that rain can eventually fall. Sure I may get a little sad by some things, but that doesn’t give me the right to make people feel not good enough for me. Maybe I feel like everyone has made me a pushover. I feel if I don’t do anything about it people will walk all over me and take advantage of me. Maybe I sometimes feel I get forgotten as a girlfriend. Maybe I also need to understand that people may need the same things as I do. That I shouldn’t be so selfish, especially to the ones that dare to love me for everything I am and for everything that I could potentially be. I forget that sometimes people see the potential in me that I can’t. This is a confession of how scared I am. I’m scared that he’ll get bored with me. I’m scared when I say things and I don’t get the certainty back. I’m afraid to love him more than he loves me. I’m afraid that he’s changing his mind. That he is starting to have second thoughts about all the things he said to me. I’m a girl; our emotions are the swing set almost everyday. I need to make sure he can handle mine. Because I’m broken. I don’t allow myself to show that because I’m afraid to be vulnerable. That he’ll think I’m too much drama. I’m extremely broken, my childhood as made me this way. If he could only read the entries of my diary *sigh* maybe then he could truly understand all the things I have been through. I need a prince charming, not the literal Cinderella version, but the person that can save me. I want to be swept off my feet. I have a little secret, I remember being pretty young almost twelve or thirteen and wishing on stars for a boy that could take me away. I’m a dreamer and I think that is problem. Disney gives girls unhealthy expectations of happily ever after that doesn’t come true. Maybe I need to grow up? I need to stop blabbering and watch The OC. Hoping he'll forgive me for being so demanding.