Rock Bottom

My head is pounding, my heart is breaking and yet nobody sees this. Have you ever thought about life? Let me kind of change that. Have you ever thought about what life would be like without you? I don’t think you can fully understand pain and heartbreak until you find yourself thinking of reasons why life would go on just fine if you never existed. This dear friends is depression. We hear about it in school, we are told the warning signs, but when it comes to actually saving someone we fall entirely short. Now yes my dear friends I thought about how much everyone could be happier without me. The one thing that held me on was my best friend Amanda. When my world is crashing down she is what keeps the waves away so that they won’t drown me. She has had her fair share of stress and problems, but she has always been there for me with a good ear. I thought about how much it was devastate her and how disappointed she would be in me. Her beautiful best friend being replaced by a perpetual twenty-one year old. Never to grow, never getting to marry, never to have children of her own. I didn’t want to do that to her.

One might be shocked at this blog that this seemingly “happy” girl is currently writing. To be honest you shouldn’t be. All the signs were there. Lack of sleep, disinterest in things that once made them happy, odd eating habits. One might wonder what possessed her to write it. Is it maybe because nobody sees it until after the fact or that maybe she is giving you a chance to change the world. To take everyone seriously before it may be too late. One might ponder what brings a person so low to the ground that they think they don’t deserve to be a part of the world anymore. It starts with a girl.

Now let us not beat around the bush; its me. I am the girl. If you talk to people from high school they would tell you that they didn’t know me very well. I blended in and did what I was suppose to. Trying not to rumpled any feathers or step on any toes. After high school ended I began to grow up, but still remained the happy go lucky and faith-filled girl. Nothing was going to break me or bring me down. Life changes though. Bumps started to crowd my path and I tried my hardest to swerve away from them however it was no use when I got a huge flat tire. Tires were mended and I went on my way a little wounded, but still ready for the world at its worse. Well needless to say things didn’t go to plan. I tried my best to work with the car I was given and I was ok because of a boy. He let me know that everything would be ok.

However somewhere down the path the boy stopped caring. Finally today that boy left me. No, not physically left me, but in a way the person he used to be vanished into an angry and malicious person. He isn’t the same guy that would carry me in times of trouble. He said so himself that he has “no compassion” towards me anymore. The crazy part is that I still love this boy so much. Despite what cynics might say I would do anything for this boy within reason. I don’t really know what to do since he broke my heart beyond repair. Time heals everything I know, but this is going to take a very long time. Some of the things he has done and said to me the past week would have made even the strongest women buckle to her knees. Being told:

 I don’t have a right to get angry when he does something wrong
 That he is allowed to lash out at me, but if his friends are mean to me I may not do the same
 I am just a self proclaimed victim and I should stop
 He doesn’t want to worry about me anymore
 That although he makes huge mistakes, he doesn’t have to live with the consequences

Those are just a few out of many things he has said to me. Yelling, cussing, and telling me that I am of no worth to him. He didn’t have to say the exact words to make me feel like his world would be better without me. I haven’t stopped crying for 3 days. Each day seems to get worse this week. Each day I cry a little harder, my heart breaks a little more, and my already crushed spirit gets another blow. My eyes hurt from rubbing them so hard, my face hurts from silently screaming so much and my throat hurts from sobbing my soul out. It is astounding I’m still here. I can assure you this isn’t the first day, or week, or month he has done this to me. In his world I must sit there and take the emotional beating with pride and dignity. So sometimes if you REALLY love someone you must do things such as this. I have nothing left to say blogger friends. For the pain of losing someone is far worse than the pain they cause. I will keep you updated if I ever change my mind. Good Night Bloggers