How far can one person be pushed? I am in a struggle again. I have many questions on my heart tonight, with many of them sad. I haven’t seen my boyfriend since Saturday. Yes, not a big deal because it is good for a relationship to have a little space to breathe. However it makes me kind of sad that he doesn’t contact me besides a short message on Facebook and a push-off phone call. It is frustrating sometimes to feel as if I take a back seat to certain people in his life. I hate not being told the truth. I hate being shoved off. I hate feeling like this. Why does he get to do this to me? Why does he get to put the stress on me? Why can’t he process the way he hurts me.
I don’t ask too much of him I thought. All I want from him is to understand that the further this relationship goes, the more he has to invest into it. I don’t think he gets that yet. I mean I want everything in this world that makes him happy to be available. I want things that are going to keep him and our relationship healthy to be available to him also. I want to be the beautifully patient girl I once was with him. If I go beyond that does that turn me into a doormat? I don’t know if I can wait for him to grow up anymore.
Maybe I’m just asking too much? Maybe I really don’t deserve all the promises and agreements he said. Maybe I should just give up my stupid ideals and let him do whatever he wants. Do drugs, sleep with many girls, and squander his life away. Maybe that is true love to him and my idea is just a silly high school fairy tale.
Oh well this is a short frustrated vent. Maybe my brother’s right; maybe I should just help myself to another serving of drama stew.
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