Why So Much Pain For The Ones We Love?

It was never suppose to be like this. When I imagined life in the future only a few years ago I never assumed these types of thoughts would fill my heart or mind. The things that have happened, the respect and people I have lost. Like I said I know that in my heart things were suppose to be much different.

For instance it starts from the whole situation with Nate. Even six months after everything, not talking to him and hearing all the horrible things he has said about me (While we were still friends mind you) I still for some odd reason miss him. I understand fully that these sentimental feelings are towards the old Nate and not the person he has become. He might be able to fool himself and maybe a few others in to believing he “grew out of the naivete of childhood”, but never me. The fact of the matter is that he changed into a destructive person for me. I wonder sometimes what I did to make him act that way. Why I was never good enough for him to be respected or valued in his eyes? Did I really not do enough for him? Did I support him and his musical dreams too much? Did I give him too much encouragement or make him believe I respected him too much? I sympathize with him on losing Josh to pot, however did he really believe that nothing else mattered as well? In my heart I know Nate and I have started new, different and separate paths. As much as it hurts maybe moving on with the rest of your life really does start with goodbye. I’m still working on that. I don’t care what other people say; if it were really so easy to say goodbye then maybe I wasn’t a good enough friend to him or that he didn’t matter to me? Even if I meant so little to him.

I think what hurts the most is that I don’t really think this was the original plan god had for us. I know that this is just one of those late night moody blogs filled with angst, confusion and pain. Trying to jumble it together and come out with an understanding. I think Nate is a follower of god, but still doesn’t have the true understanding of god’s main message, To love one another. Despite anger, persecution, disagreement or strife. You should still love people as Jesus loved people. I am no angel, but I do feel an extreme closeness to god.
I haven’t had the closest relationship with him in 2008 or 2009, but I feel 2010 starts a fresh relationship with him. When I was 12 years old I had an epiphany with god and maybe ten years later nearing 22 this is my refresher course in loving god’s plan for me and for the people that want to be around me. I stated before that it hurts to know that life and my feelings about it were never suppose to be like this; lost.

What happened to me? When did my hope change into reality and my heart turn into just another muscle? How and why did I have to become this version of myself I don’t even recognize anymore, this shell of angst? Maybe in a sense this is my cocoon state. That awkward phase between the youthful hope filled caterpillar and the final altogether butterfly. It is a stage of youth and rebellion from society, uncertainty and fear. Things are not suppose to feel this screwed up. I have a safe feeling thought that it won’t always feel like this and that god will finally help me reach my butterfly life.

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream

Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away

Life lately as you might have read is on a small downward note. It has been filled with a sad uncertainty about so many things. I have a strong feeling that it isn’t something a few pieces of chocolate and a good conversation might be able to help the problem. Before I start the next section I want to state that I love Jordan very much and appreciate every last thing he does for me. From the little things to the big ones he is a good guy. I am not trying to criticize him or paint him as a horrible boyfriend. With that said I will continue.

I am 90% of the time happy with the way my relationship is. I know that every relationship has its little quips and will never be a 100% thing all the time. I guess I am just wishing I knew I could understand how to be happier and how to make this relationship work better.

In Every Relationship There are 5 Important Things:
5. Fun: It is essential to have a lot of fun in a relationship because sharing common interests and activities keeps it fresh.
4. Encouragement: Having a relationship means having someone care enough about you to want what is best for you and to tell you that.
3. Respect: Respect is something that every relationship needs to survive because it allows you to communicate with your other in a healthy manner, disagree fairly and express problems easier.
2. Love: Without love there isn’t such thing as a true relationship. I mean true love and not just infatuation or the need for physical intimacy. Love is the foundation of every good relationship.
1. Trust: If love is the foundation of every great relationship then trust is the building blocks. Without trust in a relationship you can’t really truly fall in love. Trust is easily lost though and difficult to get back.

Right now I’m trying to remind myself if my current relationship has a good balance of all those things. Another late night blog talking to a computer screen. Do I repel even my cat sometimes? I need to ask myself a few important questions. Is this going towards a positive place and a good goal for me and am I investing my time and feelings into this wisely? Good questions to ask my boyfriend right? Good night <3>