Hello Valentines!
I am sitting here in the low light of a lamp pondering love and listening to oldies pop. Is there still such a thing as true love anymore? I wonder how many times one is suppose to fall in love? Can love really weather any storm it faces? Does someone have the ability to love another forever? It is no secret that my heart has been put through a lot of these questions lately. From previous entries you can see my frustration, my confusion, my pain and my sadness. The only person I’ve ever loved that I haven’t known my entire life let me down, yet again. I thought he loved me more than anything and by the time we reached this point in a relationship would know for certain that he didn’t want anything to come between us. I know love isn’t as simple as that; it isn’t neat or tidy. Love isn’t suppose to let you down or waver, but it happens.
"And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am."
One thing I know is that love forgives.
So this is what I must do. I am letting god lead my life and he says that my heart should belong to Jordan (after god of course). God knows the plans to my life before I do and I feel like god is telling me and teaching me. He is teaching me about patience and so I hope by god’s good grace that we can move on from the past. I pray that all lessons have been learned and that god can show me the ability to guide Jordan through these formative adult years. I believe god sees the potential in him that I had forgotten. When I was younger I had such a beautifully hopeful heart. From the first days of kindergarten to the sadness in middle school I tried the best I could to find love. By the time I was a senior in high school I had a fairly battered and bruised heart. I had crushes like any girl, but none of them became serious and just fizzled out. I remember a cold night and a lost young woman praying to a god for someone to save her from loneliness. I was tired of losers and cheats I wanted something real. So I prayed that god would find me a man. Someone that I could call my own and that I could be with him forever. I prayed the god would save me from the harshness of finding a new person every couple of months or years. I wanted something solid and hopeful. That the next guy would be the one god wanted for me. That god wouldn’t send him to me unless he approved.
The funny thing is that Jordan was the one that came along. The funny this is that he was still able to let me down. The funny this is that although he has made so many mistakes and let me down in so many ways I still think he is the one god sent for me. I am not desperate or weird, I just understand the lesson god is trying to help me with. I think god loves teaching me a good lesson. That this was my lesson on true love. That true love forgives the most horrible indiscretions, because god truly loved us enough to sacrifice his own innocent son. Gosh I probably make mistakes all the time that god does not like, but he still loves me and he still accepts me. So this is why I forgive Jordan.
God wants me to remember that Jordan is a really good guy. He is kind and very generous with both his time and assets. I am blessed that he chose me in the first place and thankful for every last happy memory he has given me. I know I would not have been the same person without him as my boyfriend. At this point I think I have a lot of people against me, but I know that this is ok. The only person’s opinion that really matters is gods. Sunday was the most amazing day I have had in awhile.
It started off with excitement and joy as I celebrated with family my great grandmother’s 90th birthday. My grandma said many times during the party that she didn’t really feel 90 and my hope is that when I’m that old I can feel the same way. There was food and cake. People from every age there and I could feel the presence of ones that could not make with us also. From there I got to spend time with my Valentine. I like having a boy in my life. I like having someone to count on again. It is going to take a while to get back to normal, but I think this was the first step towards that goal. We went to go see When in Rome and to dinner at TGIF Fridays. I had the best macaroni and cheese in the entire world! Jordan received a mixed CD and heart shaped cupcakes from yours truly. He got me some chocolates and the book The Last Song. Honestly the book would have been enough, but I love that he loves to enable my chocolate addiction. All in all it was a pleasant day. Tonight we hung out with the guys at Acapulco and chilled. I’m exhausted right now and I’m awaiting a phone call. So… this is me signing off.
The funny thing is that Jordan was the one that came along. The funny this is that he was still able to let me down. The funny this is that although he has made so many mistakes and let me down in so many ways I still think he is the one god sent for me. I am not desperate or weird, I just understand the lesson god is trying to help me with. I think god loves teaching me a good lesson. That this was my lesson on true love. That true love forgives the most horrible indiscretions, because god truly loved us enough to sacrifice his own innocent son. Gosh I probably make mistakes all the time that god does not like, but he still loves me and he still accepts me. So this is why I forgive Jordan.
God wants me to remember that Jordan is a really good guy. He is kind and very generous with both his time and assets. I am blessed that he chose me in the first place and thankful for every last happy memory he has given me. I know I would not have been the same person without him as my boyfriend. At this point I think I have a lot of people against me, but I know that this is ok. The only person’s opinion that really matters is gods. Sunday was the most amazing day I have had in awhile.
It started off with excitement and joy as I celebrated with family my great grandmother’s 90th birthday. My grandma said many times during the party that she didn’t really feel 90 and my hope is that when I’m that old I can feel the same way. There was food and cake. People from every age there and I could feel the presence of ones that could not make with us also. From there I got to spend time with my Valentine. I like having a boy in my life. I like having someone to count on again. It is going to take a while to get back to normal, but I think this was the first step towards that goal. We went to go see When in Rome and to dinner at TGIF Fridays. I had the best macaroni and cheese in the entire world! Jordan received a mixed CD and heart shaped cupcakes from yours truly. He got me some chocolates and the book The Last Song. Honestly the book would have been enough, but I love that he loves to enable my chocolate addiction. All in all it was a pleasant day. Tonight we hung out with the guys at Acapulco and chilled. I’m exhausted right now and I’m awaiting a phone call. So… this is me signing off.
Good Night!
I hope god can teach you tonight also.
I hope god can teach you tonight also.
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