“I think I’ll try defying gravity”I slept like crap last night. I had to get up early this morning and my master plan was to be asleep by twelve. I thought I could wake up fresh and be ready for another day. However between the constant coughing and emotional war it is difficult to find a peaceful moment. My mind feels like it is in a near present flutter or under the cover of clouds and rain. Then a certain song came on my ipod giving me the feeling of a fresh spirit.
“Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap”
This morning despite extreme exhaustion and fear I feel like something really has changed within myself. I’m tired of losing people. I’m tired of having to say goodbye to people I can’t trust. I’m tired of being lied and deceived.
I don’t want to be confused anymore.
I don’t want to be broken anymore.
I don’t want to play by the rules of this game anymore.
I’m a beautiful twenty-one year old girl and life for me is about choices. I have so many of them to make. I know I’m terrified right, but I have to take a leap of faith. I’m tired of putting too much faith in the wrong people when I should be putting more faith in myself. I should be able to trust my own intuition. Much more important I should be putting my faith in god. Last year I complained that even god had let me down when in reality he was the one guy that has always been a constant in my life and I let him down. It is a cold rainy day in January yet I feel like the sun is shining on me.
“I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!”
I’m tired of my breaking heart; this foolish thing that walks blindly around getting hurt all the time. It isn’t a bad heart and the feelings it feels are not lies, but how many times can it be broken before it breaks for good? I broke up with Jordan again. Although it is only the second time I don’t think it is as easy to fix this time. In courtesy Jordan has been an amazing boyfriend and a good person with a deep heart. Yet he is still young and still acts like a boy sometimes. He still cares about the fun of a decision more than the repercussions or consequences. It isn’t fair to me and I feel like I need to start Defying Gravity. I need to get up when I feel like lying down. I need to stand up for my morals and beliefs and not settling for someone the lies to me. By not accepting someone that makes extremely bad decisions more than once. I know he is sorry, but how many times’ will he be sorry before sorry is just another word? Maybe love comes at much too high a cost for me? I’m tired of paying with the pieces of my heart because I don’t know if have that many pieces left. I want to have enough pieces in order to love again if this becomes permanent.
So that is what I am doing! I’m going to fall in love with the one person that will never let me down or break my trust. The person the builds me up and loves all the things that make me who I am. The guy that understands that I want to wait for marriage to have sex or that I don’t want the people in my life to do drugs. The guy that wants to talk to me and wants to work out the issues we may have. The man that doesn’t ever let me know when he is annoyed with me because he never does. I want the man that always listens to me and never become sarcastic or malicious when I don’t agree with him. Who is this man? I have known him for a long time. I’m going to fall in love with god more. During the time that I’m single (while Jordan thinks about his things) I’m going to focus more on my relationship with god and even my relationship with myself. Today starts Brianna time.
You’ll find me at the library for hours losing myself in a world of books. It is something I have always loved to do and also something my former boyfriend found too dull or boring. You’ll find me drinking coffee at Barnes and Noble. Jordan always made a fuss that it bothered him if anyone else had coffee with me but never bothered to take me. I’m going to have coffee with god. I’m through wishing and wondering I want to have more faith. I’m going to start going to church more, so blogger friends you’ll be able to find me there too. The thing is I haven’t been to church in a regular fashion since I started dating Jordan. I know it is not his fault and that it is mostly because of my own college confusion into religion. Saturday nights were spent out late making it near impossible to get up Sunday morning. I tired to have Jordan to come with me and to give him credit he did go to one service with me. I wish I could swing though, but since all parks and play sets are under a few feet of snow that isn’t really an available option. So instead I’m going to emotionally swing by watching chick flicks. Both have a way of making me calm enough to ponder. Giving me dreamful ideas of how to improve my life. Maybe I will even go see a movie with Amanda?
In ending this blog I want to say that I don’t blame Jordan for all the problems of the world or even all of mine. I guess I wanted him to care more about that stuff. I want to find the guy that has his own interests, but doesn’t forget about mine. I guess I hope if he cared about the little things more he would remember the big things as well. Jordan is not a bad guy and I fully understand that he made a mistake. It is a huge mistake that he needs to “do his time for the crime”. Some day he might be the guy I described or maybe he’ll decide that he doesn’t love me anymore. I’m not going to worry about it anymore today. I’m putting it in god’s hands. I want my brown sweater kid back and the guy I took to the Appetite for Construction tour. I don’t want the apathetic and sometimes easily annoyed person he has become. I’m tired of sarcasm and false hopes though and I feel like taking a nice long nap. So since it all about me now, I’m going to do exactly that.
"No Wizard that there is or was, Is ever gonna bring me down!"
“Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap”
This morning despite extreme exhaustion and fear I feel like something really has changed within myself. I’m tired of losing people. I’m tired of having to say goodbye to people I can’t trust. I’m tired of being lied and deceived.
I don’t want to be confused anymore.
I don’t want to be broken anymore.
I don’t want to play by the rules of this game anymore.
I’m a beautiful twenty-one year old girl and life for me is about choices. I have so many of them to make. I know I’m terrified right, but I have to take a leap of faith. I’m tired of putting too much faith in the wrong people when I should be putting more faith in myself. I should be able to trust my own intuition. Much more important I should be putting my faith in god. Last year I complained that even god had let me down when in reality he was the one guy that has always been a constant in my life and I let him down. It is a cold rainy day in January yet I feel like the sun is shining on me.
“I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!”
I’m tired of my breaking heart; this foolish thing that walks blindly around getting hurt all the time. It isn’t a bad heart and the feelings it feels are not lies, but how many times can it be broken before it breaks for good? I broke up with Jordan again. Although it is only the second time I don’t think it is as easy to fix this time. In courtesy Jordan has been an amazing boyfriend and a good person with a deep heart. Yet he is still young and still acts like a boy sometimes. He still cares about the fun of a decision more than the repercussions or consequences. It isn’t fair to me and I feel like I need to start Defying Gravity. I need to get up when I feel like lying down. I need to stand up for my morals and beliefs and not settling for someone the lies to me. By not accepting someone that makes extremely bad decisions more than once. I know he is sorry, but how many times’ will he be sorry before sorry is just another word? Maybe love comes at much too high a cost for me? I’m tired of paying with the pieces of my heart because I don’t know if have that many pieces left. I want to have enough pieces in order to love again if this becomes permanent.
So that is what I am doing! I’m going to fall in love with the one person that will never let me down or break my trust. The person the builds me up and loves all the things that make me who I am. The guy that understands that I want to wait for marriage to have sex or that I don’t want the people in my life to do drugs. The guy that wants to talk to me and wants to work out the issues we may have. The man that doesn’t ever let me know when he is annoyed with me because he never does. I want the man that always listens to me and never become sarcastic or malicious when I don’t agree with him. Who is this man? I have known him for a long time. I’m going to fall in love with god more. During the time that I’m single (while Jordan thinks about his things) I’m going to focus more on my relationship with god and even my relationship with myself. Today starts Brianna time.
You’ll find me at the library for hours losing myself in a world of books. It is something I have always loved to do and also something my former boyfriend found too dull or boring. You’ll find me drinking coffee at Barnes and Noble. Jordan always made a fuss that it bothered him if anyone else had coffee with me but never bothered to take me. I’m going to have coffee with god. I’m through wishing and wondering I want to have more faith. I’m going to start going to church more, so blogger friends you’ll be able to find me there too. The thing is I haven’t been to church in a regular fashion since I started dating Jordan. I know it is not his fault and that it is mostly because of my own college confusion into religion. Saturday nights were spent out late making it near impossible to get up Sunday morning. I tired to have Jordan to come with me and to give him credit he did go to one service with me. I wish I could swing though, but since all parks and play sets are under a few feet of snow that isn’t really an available option. So instead I’m going to emotionally swing by watching chick flicks. Both have a way of making me calm enough to ponder. Giving me dreamful ideas of how to improve my life. Maybe I will even go see a movie with Amanda?
In ending this blog I want to say that I don’t blame Jordan for all the problems of the world or even all of mine. I guess I wanted him to care more about that stuff. I want to find the guy that has his own interests, but doesn’t forget about mine. I guess I hope if he cared about the little things more he would remember the big things as well. Jordan is not a bad guy and I fully understand that he made a mistake. It is a huge mistake that he needs to “do his time for the crime”. Some day he might be the guy I described or maybe he’ll decide that he doesn’t love me anymore. I’m not going to worry about it anymore today. I’m putting it in god’s hands. I want my brown sweater kid back and the guy I took to the Appetite for Construction tour. I don’t want the apathetic and sometimes easily annoyed person he has become. I’m tired of sarcasm and false hopes though and I feel like taking a nice long nap. So since it all about me now, I’m going to do exactly that.
"No Wizard that there is or was, Is ever gonna bring me down!"
13 comments:
Dear, you always find the best songs to describe things, and you always write the most intense blogs. I love you. I will never let you down.
Yes I have let you down...these are dificult times but I will do my best to figure stuff out. I will always love you no matter what happens between us, you are the love of my life...until we talk again sunshine, things will get better no matter the outcome.
Well well.. What have I stumbled upon here.
First off i'd like to say who says God isn't sarcastic? He has a sense of humor as well, and funny ways of showing it. So yeah to that.
Also you wont find a "perfect" guy maybe close but how can you expect someone to never get sarcastic. puhhlease.
and last but not least about your jordan..
you cant expect the world or him to revolve around you. I mean be there, treat you good, blah blah sure. But dont expect him to be your little perfect robot. (whatever the situation may be)
fly jordan fly
Who the fuck is this Mallory?
I don't think she was saying god was sarcastic. Do you even know this person or her relationship with this Jordan? Why do you even care that much? Are you just a little high schooler looking for attention? Wow, your kind of people piss me off.
"I want the man that always listens to me and never become sarcastic or malicious when I don’t agree with him. Who is this man? I have known him for a long time. I’m going to fall in love with god more."
read that. she says he (God) will never be sarcastic. How does she know? I agree with Mallory.
Get a life you idiot.. people will piss you off. Part of life.
cant always hear what you want.
I feel bad for you girl. I had a boyfriend that would drink constantly and then lie to me about it. Ignore the people that don't have god in their lives and make assumptions of your relationships based on written blogs. You are beautiful and god thinks you are beautiful. Don't let these people tell you other wise. I understood what you were saying. Be strong in this time. Wow you just lost your boyfriend and people honestly want to blame you. Like you were the one the screwed up the relationship. How naieve.
mallory = rude.
if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all.
ok.. I read this all Mallory wasn't Rude she was Honest. get over it. And shes right. Some of you girls are so thick headed and just ughh get a grip of reality. this isnt a fairy tale.
My goodness am I going to have disable leaving comments because people can't handle it?
For all of the people that support me thank you and I appreciate it.
For all of the people that don't. Can you please find something else to do. This is a personal blog not a judgement on my character. If you want to judge me I can't stop you it is your opinion. However you don't really know enough information about the situation.
Lol, Whatever. I never knew there was so much drama in the world of writing.
theres drama in the whole world. not just writing.
judge your character. i'd say you look like... hmmm MEG! from FAMILY GUY!.
get over yourself. and i've seen better writing
seriously, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it all. if you have your own opinions on things that differ from the blogger, FINE. keep them to yourself. or phrase them in a nice manner, not belittling or judgmental. and as for the advice of "not finding a perfect guy" whatever. let her figure that out on her own. she doesn't need your second-hand advice, especially if you're going to be rude about it.
I am SO proud of you. If you want to hang out with me, then please let's finally set it up.
I don't get to read your blogs as much as I want to. But every time I do, you write my heart in your post.
I'm going through a lot of the same as you. without getting too much into it - I'm trying to fall in love with God again and again, and let Him repair the damage that was come - and keeps coming - into my life because of relationships.
This world is crazy. Life is crazy. But just like what all of us learned when we were babies - "He's got the whole world in His hands." Why the heck do I want to be the one to hold it?
Why in the world am I willing to be pushed around and be a piece in someone else's game - when I'm the only one who can live my own life?
When we give someone our heart, we expect it to be held and cherished as much as we hold and cherish somone elses.
When things go well, we start picking things out of God's hands. When things start going sour, we get upset.
But God IS the only one that is EVERYTHING we need. He knows the desires of our heart, and He wants us to grow strong through the pain of life.
Keep learning about you. Keep becoming who YOU are supposed to be.
And keep writing. Because God knows that I need what He's doing in you - to work in me, too.
Get a life kid. your posts aren't nothin but how selfish you are and what you want.
stop dreamin there is bigga problems in the world.
you need a reality check come to NY they will probably tear your emotions apart.
wake up and smell the smoke.
in all niceness
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