Looking Back

Tonight I’m listening to Christmas music while I ponder. Last night I felt this immense loneliness of this particular holiday season. As I lay awaking a real heart to heaven conversation with god I started to think of the things I should be thankful for. The things that should make me happy to have in my life. I know I should feel immediately humble by just surviving another year. It hasn’t the most delightful year, but at least I am alive with the use of all my limbs. Even though this year left me begging for a new year and a new decade I should be grateful by the good things that have happened.

I should be happy for the first moments of the year and being able to celebrate it with such great friends and my boyfriend Jordan. For February where I had a week that left me breathless. Valentine’s at Mickey’s Diner and impromptu Thriving Ivory with Lauren made the cold month a little more fun. March left me blessed with the stories from another country. Over Spring Break I got to go to Canada with the guys. In April all my wishes and hopes allowed for a budding new relationship that made Cole more then just Jordan’s friend, but also my best friend Amanda’s boyfriend. May crowned Kris Allen’s America’s new idol and left memories of warm breezy (and sometimes awkward) nights. The summer blurred by in a rush of Star Trek, wedding crashing, Harry Potter, road trips to see Switchfoot, and flower filled nights. I found out what it was like to be in a relationship for two years in August. My September was filled with the State Fair and being twenty-one. October made me glad for music, crazy Halloween nights, and learning life lessons. November was filled with family; pie and loving people like Jordan. Not to forget Premiere night for NEW MOON!

However so far December has been trying to show me the glory of god.

I know I have been blessed with so many great people in my life. I would not be anywhere in this world without them. I know that there is the feeling of something missing. I am very grateful for the people god has placed in my life. There is still a small fragment of my heart that is just gone. It has been months since I have even talked to Nate. Although I fully understand that has decided to travel down a different life path with new people and places; things that no longer include me. It leaves me sad; did I not try hard enough to be a good person for him. To be the Christian, the fellow follower for him, however when I lost my way, when he began using religion as a weapon and when I got tired of things being taken from me. Nate abandoned me after taking things such as pride and self-respect. I doubt he even misses me. Does this hurt? It hurts more than anyone knows to be forgotten by someone you considered so close for so long. Maybe he wasn’t the best person for me? Maybe he was always going to find me as a sore on his ‘perfect’ life. Is it wrong that I still miss him, still have a glint of hope in him as a friend? It is kind of lonely here remembering how happy my friendship used to be with him. I am so many memories of the three musketeers and of nights that I hoped would never end. The sun has come up on those nights. I still believe in him as a person. Isn’t that what Jesus would have done? I’m going to leave all those questions up to god. He is the only one I should truly leave responsible for my life. So here is hoping 2010 will be my year. I can already feel it!

FEW DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS!