Dreams and Fairytales

It is another one of those late nights of deep pondering after Saturday Night Live. I just finished watching one of my favorite movies Penelope and it has lead to the deeply emotional feelings. As I watched this beautifully grown up fairy tale I became a little sad. I want a fairy tale too; I want the male lead in my story to be a little more attentive of my feelings. However I understand that my feelings on this may be completely temporary and unnecessary.

My boyfriend and better half went out of town for the weekend. Although I fully understand the need for “boys weekend” and about the ability to feel freedom about the idea that everyone needs a little space once in awhile to relax. Still after no phone call all weekend little pieces of my heart are fighting against each other. On one side of my heart I have the rational and beautifully doting girlfriend. This is the side that tries to reverse the situation and wonder if I would want to constantly be bombarded with the need to call him all the time. I look at it as the idea that he needs ‘guy time’ to chill and be a boy just as much as I need ‘girl time’ to be a girl. Still the other side; the lonely side; the more cynical self-destructive side is making me ask why? Why wouldn’t he want to call me (even after he said he would)? I know that I said that he didn’t have to call. I was hoping that he would care enough or miss me enough to want to though. Is that wrong? Is it selfish? Or is this just me? I wonder if he has done something so shameful that he can’t bear to call and hear my voice; No, I don’t really think that and I trust him.

I guess it starts and ends with the whole idea of distance. While it makes me respect my best friend Amanda even more for in the entirety of her relationship she has had to jump this hurdle. I really understand what I want out of life. I was talking to said boyfriend earlier this week about his passion to travel. He wants to change his major once again. This time deciding on International Studies (with a minor to come into view later). He wants to do something where he can travel. I fully support his decision and want him to do whatever makes him happy. I think loving someone is about sacrifices. I think that I would be extremely sad and lonely, but if I really loved him I would make this sacrifice for him. The only flaw in the situation is that he feels no reason to sacrifice for me his idea of marriage.

I understand that it is an extremely important sacrifice for him. That it is something that I respect he does not take lightly. It is a double-edged sword for me too. In one end we have the sacrifices of equals where I feel as if I am giving up something maybe he will give something too. I know that sounds weird and selfish, but I don’t know how to put it precisely at this point. Then there is the more important and sharper end of the sword. I can’t force him to make a decision he doesn’t want to. If he isn’t ready for such a huge commitment I can’t speed up the process and automatically make him ready. I don’t want him down the road to think he lost his youth by marrying me. I don’t really know where all this brave and brutal emotion is coming from however I think for the first time I am really being honest in the face of life. I have always been one of those old souls in a young heart. I have always wanted to get married young. It has just been a part of who I am. First I want to clarify that I don’t want to get married just to have a wedding or just to have sex with someone. I know every day I make fun of the pregnant people I graduated with. It is just that I know I want a marriage with someone for a different reason. I want an equal partner in the world. Someone with the ability to take care of me no matter what harsh things the world might throw at me. It doesn’t cost money; because what I want is that moral support. I want someone to look at me and never want to let me go. For the first time I realize that I don’t have that yet. I hope soon I will, but like I said I cannot force that idea upon someone.

When I look at marriage I understand that it isn’t always glamorous or perfect. I want to find joy in the little things. When I think of a true marriage I think of that Boy Meets World episode where Cory and Topanga fix the sink. I know most problems are not as funny and solved within a twenty – two minute time frame, but I want to have a fellow member on the same team as me. Someone to help me solve those stressful life problems (like fixing a sink and/or toilet). When I look at marriage I don’t have a serious approach all the time. I look forward to the little things. Like the flowers for no reason, the melted candy bars for Valentine’s Day, or even just hearing the words I love you and wife in the same sentence. The crazy chaotic things that bring you closer in your relationship with that other person. I want an “ever after” as happy as god wants it to be for me.

I guess what I am trying to really and truly say is that it is easier to let someone go when you know they’ll always come back to you.