True Love in Two Years

Two years is a long time to be with someone. You don’t really realize it until the moment is upon you and you ponder what it means to you. For me I hope it means true love. I am in this odd state of mind and I’m just thinking. I’m thinking that despite all the bad and frustrations I may find in my boyfriend of two years I still manage to find things to counter the flaws he may have. I see more good in that person each day than I see bad. It is like a soft lullaby that gives me something to believe in, a breath from the breathing. Each day I slowly fall deeper into love. Time flies by so fast and I am sadly well aware of this. It has been two years with Jordan and I almost can’t believe it. Not the whole matter of thinking I could be with someone for that long, but that it has gone by so fast. We have definitely had our share of negative moments these past two years, but I know we have had so many more amazingly good moments. I think that the bad times have tried to make our relationship stronger. Being in a relationship with someone for that long of course leads me to think about every aspect of our relationship.

People still can’t believe that I have not slept with him yet. I don’t think we need that in our relationship though. I hope that it isn’t a major element that is needed to make our relationship work. I hope that I have a very patient person in my life. Especially when it comes to more intimate issues. I know I haven’t been the easiest on him and I should be more understanding of him and what he needs. I don’t know what to do at times though because I want to make him happy, but fear that I can't give him everything he needs. My nightmare is that even he will get tired of waiting. There is a reason I have decided to make my decision and maybe it is my hopeful romantic heart. I mean back in the day it wasn’t too difficult to wait for someone to marry you before you slept with them, why am I not allow to have this same sort of mindset? So here we go this is the late night everything out on the line moment.

First of all and I can not say this enough but I am not judging anyone. I have just had some interesting thoughts in my heart and mind these past two nights. Basically this is more purely an observation of my own heart and the things I want for it. How I am facing this new occasion in a relationship. In my heart of hearts I want to get married. Granted not tomorrow and probably not even in the next year, but someday yes. I am not the first and certainly not the only twenty something to think about. Heck half the girls in my graduating class either have husbands or children. Every girl dreams of this day for most of their lives. Like many others I want that day to be special. I want to have it be something new from the first moment of waking up to the first time I decide to ‘be with’ someone. I don’t want anything to spoil the surprise. My center of emotion feels like premarital sex is fine for a lot people, but it isn’t for me. I know many people think I sound like one of those religious bible-hugging girls that is all “Jesus won’t let me have sex”. I know this brings up the whole idea of sexual purity and other such things that make cynics roll their eyes. Yes I had a religious upbringing that may have contributed to my decision early on, however my decision is about 80 % my own free will. It is about wanting to be so madly in love with someone that I am willing to commit myself to them in every way. Sex is something that is really complicated and a little intimidating; there are a lot of issues involved and a thing that I am sure every girl understands. There are many responsibilities and worries that go along with sleeping with someone. I feel however in my own life that sex is more than what most young people think it is. I want sex to be more than just something you do. I want an experience even if it isn’t the best. I want to have those nervous awkward moments with someone who won’t judge me and never compare me to a lover they have had before. For me personally it feels like waking up on December 5th to open your Christmas Gifts and are disappointed to know what you are getting on Christmas Morning. It takes the mystery out of the moment. However maybe that is just me. Sorry for such a serious moment and really it isn’t a judgment on people. I am just stating from someone who sees sex as something different. I wish I could explain to a boy the importance of this. How I just don’t want to sleep with anyone I want to sleep with the boy I know I’m going to have a good chance of being with forever. I want to be able to say that I waited for the right person because he was strong enough to wait for me. I think that shows a lot of character and makes a real man. Like my favorite person said last night, “Sex doesn’t define who someone is.” In that moment I fell so ass over elbows in love with Jordan I thought my chest was going to explode. It is really difficult to explain, so I’m sorry if I’m coming off as conceited or confusing. Like I said it isn’t a matter of judgement just personal feelings about my own sex life that are flooding out of my mind and heart. I guess I wanted to explain to people why I’ve made my decision. I don’t know if I have ever really been able to come right out and say it. Even though the words are probably going to hurt, just come right out and say it. I’m waiting for me. I am waiting for the love of my life. I’m waiting for the man that deserves me. I’m waiting for my future children. I’m waiting for my heart, for my hope, for my mind. I’m waiting for every girl that knew that there was more zest in life when they found their soul mate and then decided after a ring.

I bring this up as I think about the next year of my relationship and what it will be like. Hoping that no matter how long my relationship is that I will continue to be strong in my trust that this is the right decision for me. I want to be optimistic; to believe that the boy in my life, the boy I have spent two very important years with is the one. The one that will eventually deserve me and believe me I know that two years is a long wait. However I am very happy to still be with someone for two years. It is a major accomplishment and I won’t ever take it for granted. He has to work later so I won’t get to see him all day. I found out what it means to truly love someone in that moment. It is like 1st Corinthians verse 13 stating how love is patient and kind. That even though he sometimes forgets about those important thing for me. In those times he doesn't live up to every last expectation in my life it taught me to remember that it doesn’t mean he won’t. It just means I being more tested in my patient and kind, never boastful or conceited heart. That if I really and truly in love with him I would take gods advice and always forgive him. Because I want forever and it I understand now that it will take a lot of effort on my part. So on the two year mark of my relationship I am making a relational resolution: To love Jordan unconditionally and irrevocably no matter how many times he may fall short or make me sad. That I should give him everything I can give to him when he needs it and I should not expect anything in return. That is what true love is. I hope that I can keep my resolution not only for this year, but also for many years after that.


And believe me I know that two years is a long wait.