A Sadly Insightful Traveler In Time

It has been one of the more exciting yet sadly insightful weekends I have had in awhile. Starting Tuesday I began reading the book The Time Traveler’s Wife. Now finished I realize it is not on my favorite novels, yet one that has taught me and helped me understand my own travels in time. I am surely convinced that there is nothing more magical than a journey within food. As I sit here in the sad solitude of the computer room I ponder what it means to have such great friends and to watch them go.

The moment has finally come for me to say good luck and goodbye to my spunky friend Lauren. As I drove down the street past her house tonight and in the coming weeks the street I will continue to drive small pieces of me will feel like crying. There are no more random visits, Gilmore afternoons, cold rides home from school or pizza/movie nights. The teenage innocence has left the inside of that house leaving behind just the sad reality of another person gone. I don’t know if words can ever express how much I will miss her in the next year. Lauren leaving has always been a big moment for me. An additional scrap of life that changes leaving me behind. Amanda has already disappeared. Next it will be Jordan; soon even Nate and Cole will move on from this place. Suddenly I feel immensely lonely in this moment. Will I always been the one sorrowfully left behind? I can really relate to Clare Abshire’s character at this time. I wish my friends the best of luck in making their deepest dreams come true. However a part of me still hurts.

I went to see the movie for The Time Traveler’s Wife yesterday with Jordy, Nate, and Lauren. It is funny how much I can compare to Clare. I feel stuck in a world of years passing me by as I just wait for everyone else to depart. I wonder if I’m always going to be the one that waits? Church this week had a good lesson about how setbacks may just be god’s way of preparing you for his glory. God may just use these little bumps in the road to speak to the people he needs to be totally dependent on him. It is no secret I am often overwhelmed with the confusion and grief of life.

In the end I try to imagine happier times. The past moments and memories I drink in to never forget. A way for my heart to remember these are amazing people. Friends are an extremely awesome gift god has given me (and many others). Even at times when we do not see eye to eye they are so very important to me. I love them with the biggest pieces of my soul. I think that it maybe a reason it is so difficult for me to let go. I understand that this isn’t goodbye forever and I pray that god will keep this closeness around us throughout our lifetime. I guess going through my mind from the church lesson and talking to a good friend tonight I have taken to heart that you need to take life one day and a time. It will allow the moments to feel less lonely. I hope that god will assist us in sharing the fullest years of our lives together. I want to have great faith that one day I can do what Lauren’s mom did for us on Saturday. I hope that many times during our lives we can share a good meal with good conversation having every inch of it filled with love. I see many good things in our futures and wish that is isn’t just my fairy tale heart playing tricks on me. I look forward to a day (probably many years from now) when Lauren will call me to tell me that Nate has proposed marriage. I can already pen a brilliant speech in my mind. I can close my eyes and see Amanda’s rambunctious children laughing and playing with my little redheaded children. Many things are going to change for us after this moment, but I hope some things never will.

Five Years From Tonight: I want everyone to still be together in whatever sense god allows. I want to gather one night every three months (or around holidays) and have a dinner that lasts until the early morning hours. I want to live in every moment that takes our breaths away. I want to document with pictures and playbills, tickets and old pieces of paper. I don’t just want to remember these people. I want to always be around these people. Five years from tonight I wonder where we will be and I hope it is somewhere wonderful.

I don’t know if any of this will happen, but a girl can always dream right? I don’t want to be Clare anymore, waiting as the things I love and the world I live in to pass me by. I love the world too much to give in to the boring and mundane. I suppose only the future can tell?