A Lesson in Fireworks!

Ever since childhood I think there has always been something so memorizing about fireworks. A loud pop and a streak of color flying through the sky like a desperate pleading star. I often feel like this. The brightness is blinding and fills my eyes with such wonder. It leaves me in awe. I love the combination of light and color and it is such an amazing sight. It makes me feel like rainbows are being blasted through the darkened night. Part of this extended love of colorful things comes in the form of my summer job. I have become such a tye dye nerd lately. Since going away to camp I've found a new passion for tye dye. It seems like I'm always looking for new designs, how to make brighter and more exciting colors. It is exciting! I think my obsession with color has always been encouraged by things like rainbows and fireworks.

Camp has brought a new light in me. I knew it would, but I can honestly say it has been a huge lesson. The lessons haven't been easy and I've had to search around picking up broken pieces and putting myself back together. I've had to learn how to live a summer away from home. I have to learn to live a summer where there is no boy in my life. I know from previous entries that summers are much like these July fireworks. Certain ones leave you feeling high and bright; others just make a lot of loud noise. The latter leaving you wondering what the point is. When I was seventeen I had one of the toughest summers and I survived. This gives me hope that even though 2010's summer was the most destructive. That even although I became someone that I was not supposed to be. This summer is about allowing god to help me fix myself and breathing new life into this broken spirit. This is about surviving new and sometimes more difficult lessons. However why would I expect anything else from god. I have enjoyed my time at camp so far. I get to teach crafts daily and tye dye every Tuesday, so I can't complain. I get to see the joy in handwriten letters again. I am beginning to see blessings in every day again.

This summer is teaching me that at times the greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. As I move deeper into July I am well aware that this is July 2011. This is when I pictured myself in a white dress. In July of 2011 I imagined being this beautiful and successful twenty-two year old bride to be. Where is she? I am working at a summer camp and there are no suitors in my sights. God is helping me see that this is ok. If I were to be getting married this month as I formerly hoped would it be a mistake? That is a really good question. I am not going to say no, but I'm also not going to say yes. Let me explain:

No: If I were to be getting married I would hope to having to have a man that cherished me. Even though the way we broke up was devastating I do believe that if I were marrying the man I met during the first two years of our relationship that I would have been happy. There is no shame in marrying someone that you love right?The boy I saw marrying when the vision first popped into my head would have made a wonderful husband. Although that is not the man that grew up.

Yes: Here is the thorn in my foot. Looking at the lesson of September I see that if I were marrying the teenager that left me heartbroken after a three year relationship then I didn't have someone that cherished me. I would have had a husband that cheated on me and constantly lied. I wouldn't have an equal partner in my life and I would have to compete with his childish wandering ways. I would never have been number one in his life and although that made me sad for awhile it doesn't anymore.

I'm not going to lie and claim that I was crazy. I am an honest person and I know I wanted so badly to marry him. I am not ashamed to say that because that is what love means. However I do not love him anymore and I haven't for quite a long time now. I said this before; the man I wanted to married died a long time ago. This is this little nostaligia of July; of a former life I planned for myself. I will always blame him for taking away this dream of mine. Of tearing down something that was so precious to me, but I'm also bitterly thankful. As time goes by and once I fall in love again I will grown to be more gracious. The reason being is that one day I will get married and he taught me that I deserve someone so much better than him. He gave me the lesson that I deserve more:

More than a liar,

More than a cheater,

More than follower,

More than a drunk,

More than someone that tears me down

God has allowed me to see that in my future there is a man that will:

Will tell me the truth (Even when it may be sad)

Will be faithful to me

Will love me for me

Will have fun without getting out of control

Will build me up and

WILL FIX MY BROKENESS AND LOVE ME FOR IT.

That is the lesson I got from the fireworks, what did the teach you?