Is High School Ever Over?

Tonight I find myself many years older and yet in a former place. I apologize for being a whiner tonight, but I find myself in a highly emotional mood. This has been the most beautifully difficult year for me. It has been about learning to rely on myself and understanding that listening to my heart is the most difficult thing to do. I am extremely grateful for having my laptop with me, I need this outlet of words to save me, especially tonight.

I was so excited to come to camp and to listen to my calling. I felt such a compelling feeling I needed to use my godly gifts here. That they would heal me. My goal was to meet some new people and hopefully create lasting friendships. I have met some really awesome people, but a lot of them are much younger than myself. Thus the age difference has been a little isolating. So this is where you find me tonight, a place between deep longing and desperation for attention. It is a different year, new people, but the same old story. I find myself in love with the cute musician boy that will probably not love me back. The name Adam has never sounded so beautiful. Again I watch as girls put on their make-up to go to parties I was not invited to. I thought High School was over, but I guess it never is.

I have been praying a lot lately. Hoping that god can give me guidance. I believe there is a strong reason I was called to Camp this summer, but I've had a really hard time finding it. If this is where god called me then why do I feel so sad? Why do I feel alone in a crowded room? Why do I feel myself being torn into pieces?

I miss my friends, I miss my church, I miss hugs and kisses, I miss feeling loved by more than just a savior. I know Jesus will never leave me, but why does it feel like everyone else does? I guess this is another life lesson in self reliance. That sometimes I just need to pull myself up and create my own happiness. That I am in charge of my own mood. I can be depressed about the old isolation of High School memories flashing back, or I can remember that I'm grown up now. I can be the girl I want to be. I need to remember that I can do things by myself, maybe I will go see a movie tomorrow?