Atticus Finch

Tonight I found an injured bird. The whole image of this poor fluttering animal still breaks my heart into a million pieces. My mission became focused on doing whatever I could to make the little bird safe again. The whole situation has started me thinking about life. It has allowed me to think about god and nature, my father above and mother earth on the ground.

The bird made me also think about my life. So far life has made me feel like that poor, lost, and hurt little bird. I’m confused and I’m trying so hard to fly to the sky. Life is suffocating me and has left on the ground to rot or be taken away by something stronger, but not better. I need something to pick me up, to place me into a nice comforting box and feed me the knowledge I need to succeed in these tough times.

With all the stresses in my life I am trying to hold onto god and believe that he is the thing and the person I need to pick me up. I need him so bad right now that it hurts. I have been praying to him so often without any response that I wonder if he still hears my prayers? I’m scared and I feel very alone. I know that I have many wonderful friends and the love of the most amazing boy in the world Jordan. However it is kind of like that Jack’s Mannequin song, Dark Blue.
“Dark Blue, Dark Blue; Have ever felt alone in a crowded room?”

I need my dreams back; I need my goals to be in focus again. I want to be the faithful, beautifully brilliant, and dream-oriented girl I used to be. Where did she go? Did college and stupid people snuff out the girl I wanted to be so long ago. Did a year of abuse by the ‘real world’ crush me beyond repair? Like the little bird in a box by garage I need to be ok. I want my heart and soul to soar instead of die.

So here I go: Here is an Internet prayer: My letter to god.
Maybe he will finally hear me?

My Dearest God,
Ever since I was a child you have promised me that you would be around. From the first days of Sunday school to the moments in my teenage years I felt like you were close to me. When I was thirteen you took me by the hand when I needed you the most and lead me to believe you would never leave my side. So why now does it feel as if you have abandoned me? I know that most of the blame probably falls onto me. I don’t go to church as much and I don’t think I have been the most amazingly faith driven person to the world around me. I have been praying so long for you to search for me in the ocean. I have felt grief and turmoil for so long that I don’t know if you even care anymore. Can you please help my little bird friend live to see another day? Can you help me find my camera and a job soon? I need your guidance and your unfailing love back. I need you because you are my father and I need your loving embrace back. Are you still there god? Do you hear my most heartfelt prayer? I am praying for my hope back; for everything to be ok again. I don’t know what else I can say at this moment except that for the whole year I have felt lost and so alone.
Amen

I hope he can hear me now, I hope that he can see by sharing with the world my prayer that he may see that I am still worthy of his forgiveness and grace. I pray for my bird as well as my heart tonight. I hope they can both survive the crushing blow.