A Heart Conflicted

I haven't lived the most graceful of lives, but I'm working on it. I am just a clumsy girl trying her best to be beautiful and classy. The kind of girl one can be proud of; honest, gracious, and hopeful in spirit. More of the Audrey Hepburn type than one of the Paris Hilton snobs. However even classy girls have heart problems.

It is funny how when you are little you make all these wishes on stars. Later, when you find yourself growing up you begin to understand the painful sacrifices you make for those wishes to come true. Sometimes life isn't easy. Unexpected things happen, people get hurt, and your heart begins to make you question things you thought you knew. I know how much it hurts to be put in limbo. To have someone be unsure of their feelings for you. With how many times I've had to wait around for phone calls or explanations I've never wanted to be that kind of person. I scoffed at Katniss in the Hunger Games series for being so flighty. I ridiculed her for not seeing what she had in Peeta before it was too late. My thoughts were frustrated when she went back and forth between Peeta and Gale. What was the deal? Then I think God had his own lesson for me about conflicted hearts.

Piece by piece I've built myself up from the devastation and fixed my fragile heart. However I think it may have a few faults from being thrown around all the time. Still here I sit arguing with her and trying to understand what she wants. There are two boys and my heart wants both of them for different reasons.

Boy #1: Perfect Boy: This is the one that is stable, genuine, nice, hopeful. This boy is the one that agrees with me on almost everything. We communicate really well and seem to have lots of amazing conversations. He is the boy that I know will probably never hurt me. The one I'm attracted to his goodness. He is the one that in a perfect world that I should without a doubt probably be with. But this isn't perfect world.

Boy #2: Fun Boy: This boy is the one that I've tried to deny over and over again that I have feelings for. He is complicated and stubborn. He makes me so confused and hopeful. He plays me hot and cold. He is broken and yet so funny. He is the one that excites my heart. The one I'm highly attracted to and the one that flirts hardcore with me. In fantasy land he would be the Peter Parker sexy nerd type. But this isn't fantasy land.

So here lies the problem... I cannot have both. I need to figure out who my heart needs in this moment.  In a situation like this people get hurt. I don't want it to happen, but maybe I have to face that fact. I also don't want to get to the end of this realizing I've let go of someone that would have made me happy. I don't want to have the person hurt be me.  I've been through so much already that I'm not sure how much more I can take. I need to know who is in it for me, and who is in it for the wrong reasons. I'm too tired to think right now. Maybe someday I'll get my answers, for tonight I think I will pray about it.