Trust Me

Trust is something I have often struggled with. From my first broken heart to the broken promises from High School, and finally the biggest betrayal my heart has ever faced. I can honestly say it has not been an easy thing to trust people. I'm exhausted of putting my hopes into things that are uncertain and bitter. I'm tired of fake friends and ladder climbers. I don't want to always wonder about who I can trust. I am ashamed to admit it, but perhaps it is a normal occurrence in your twenties. But in my darkest moments I have lost my trust in God's plan for me. I know when I was at the furthest point from God back in college that it was because of my own selfishness and my hope in a boyfriend that could never earn the trust I gave him. A boy that might have never deserved it in the first place? I put my trust in the wrong people, the wrong things, when instead I should have put more trust in my Heavenly Father.

I am at an interesting point in my life now. I am twenty-three and completely lost, but in God I'm content. I think most people are lost in their early twenties. Trying to balance the thin line between living and paying crippling bills. I'm learning the true meaning of putting my trust in God and not relying on my own understanding. In the back of my mind I've always had a deep sense of trust in God and his existence in my life. However I suppose I have struggled when laying down my own ideas and letting go in order for God to write my plans. I do see more and more each day that God will never give me more than I can handle. I find great peace in the proverbs and solace in many pages of my bible.

One example of God working productively is my new job. I was on the verge of despair in finding a job. Not only did I get a phone call for an interview in my eleventh hour, but also a job offer. I am so grateful to God for this opportunity. It is hard and fast work, but I love it. Eight hours a day seem to go by quickly and I have been reminded of why I fell in love with the baking industry in the first place. Right now I'm just seasonal, but I am hoping that my job performance and positive no-quit attitude will allow me to carry on past the seasonal point. I am trusting that God knows what I want and what I need. The desires inside of my heart.

I have struggled very much with God's plan for my heart when it comes to love. I thought God guided me towards someone this summer, but maybe it was for different reasons than I thought. Maybe I was so concern about the destination that I took for granted the message or journey God was giving me. I'm not going to lie, my heart has been put through so much lately. The types of situations I've had to deal with in the past three years are enough to make any heart collapse, but yet my beautiful heart keeps beating. This is because of God's strength in me and the fact that even on my weakest days I have the ability to get stronger.

It is about faith. That is what faith is: that unwavering trust in God. I need to have more faith with my whole heart that God will find me a love that deserves me someday. I pray that he can remind me I just need to be more patient. I hope In the meantime he can allow me to find happiness in the littlest things and hope in those seemingly hopeless situations. I have a deep sense of hope in the fact that God will allow me to keep this job long term so that I can focus on other things than boys right now. I'm learning about being a woman of independence. It seems kind of silly I know to explain that I want to have a relationship, but want nothing to do with guys right now. I'm lonely and I am not afraid to say it because I know that God didn't mean for my to be alone. I need to appreciate God's love for me in its fullness before I can find that feeling with a person. Maybe that was one thing I can forgive James for, because maybe that is what I need to do right now.

So I'm going to listen, love, hope, wish, pray in God with all of my heart. I can hear it now. God saying to me "Trust me."

O LORD, ... be not silent. Do not be far from me, O Lord. Awake, and rise to my defense! Contend for me, my God and Lord.

— Psalm 35:22-23 (NIV)