It is only Tuesday and I already wish the week was over. I feel much better than I did last week physically, I am not sick anymore. However I don’t know why, but I feel kind of emo. For some reason I can’t seem to get happy. I just guess I am starting to really understand what it means to miss someone. To care so much for someone that it seems that the world doesn’t shine as bright when you are not with them. I can’t breathe and I can’t think. I am what you call head over heels; in love. What makes me emo though is that I see the world outside, the snowy icky mess and it makes me sad. They just make me wish I could spend these days with Jordan. That would make me happier; make my days brighter even when there are icky messes. I am not just discussing the icky outside weather, but also the fucked up things. The stupid people, the stressful things; when the world is a dark and lonely place. I feel I have a lighthouse in the storm.
So I suppose I am like this new Augustana song “sweet and low”. The sweet part starts with the happiness I feel when I hear his voice, when I am with him, just having some part of him close to my heart. Oh gosh I sound like such a girl right now. My friend Amanda could possibly read this and roll her eyes. Thinking about what happened to her logical, practical and thought filled friend. I really don’t understand it either, but it is something I love and hate at the same time. It is something that I think god wants for me. The good, the bad, the hopeful, and ugly. He wants me to have it all, because that is what love is. It is sweet, it is never bitter, but it is soft and gentle. Like a soft song that plays on your favorite radio station.
The low part comes from the depression of a gray and dreary sky. It comes from the sadness of wanting someone to share your feelings to the same extent and not officially knowing if they do. It comes from being afraid of loving someone too much. It is the fear of putting too much out there, of taking too much of a risk. Low feelings come from being afraid and so painfully in love with someone that you are scared that you won’t be able to keep this kind of perfection. That it may all be too good to be true.
I haven’t had the greatest chances when it came to my heart, I am not used to being this involved with someone. To be honest, I am afraid of needing someone more than they need me. I need someone to take care of me. Tell me that it is going to be ok, even if it really isn’t. I need someone with faith. That doesn’t need to make promises necessarily, but will help me feel better when I need it. I need someone there for me, not that they haven’t been, but I mean all the way. It means finding what makes me cry and preventing it from happening. I know that people don’t want make promises; because they are afraid they can’t keep them. I say forget promises, give me hope.
1 comment:
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