Last night I was listening to music as I often do when I write and it seemed that every song played fit with exactly I was feeling or wanted my characters to feel. Everything from blasting Dare You to Move on KS95 to the soft sullen of Stupid Boy. It is March again, except I knew that this one would be different, Anna Nalick came into my head. "It's been almost a year to the moment, when I finally realize it was over." I began to think about why I was so angry this past year and then Rob Thomas's "Little Wonders" came on and I was able to honestly know why. I was lied to and it was my fault. I saw what happened to two unknowing girls and I went along knowing it could happen to me. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. Then last night I heard that song and I was able to relax. To let this wall down and finally be able to live and let go. In a new and different way.
Here are the lyrics:
let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels
our lives are made
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours
still remain
let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours
still remain
all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now
in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these small hours,
still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders
still remain
Then this morning as I was grooving to my new obsession, Augustana I found the song Empty Days. My love of the song has nothing to do with my feeling sad but it has more of the other kind of empty. The feeling of hope and harmonicas, of knowing that one day not so far away my life won't be this chaotic. That I will be able to talk to Amanda about these days of High School and laugh because we were young and we were trusting. That we had fun and we did what we had to. That our spirits got broke and that everything they said to us was fake. For a long time I have thought about this moment, and it feels good. This March is going to start a new chapter of my life. I had the junior year, the summer before my senior year, the end of 2006, and now I call this chapter, Faith beyond years. People may wonder why I don't like to go to church anymore. Half of it is probably that older college and that you don't have to anymore, but most of my reasoning is because I feel closer to god when it is just he and I. That may sound selfish, but in order for me to really be able to concentrate on god, I need to worship in my own way. That is one reason I decided not to do the Musical this year. There are other various reasons, but that is the biggest one, so get off my case about it.
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